Brian Wilson of the Los Angeles has arguably the greatest beard in the history of professionalsports. It's often imitated, but never duplicated. It is long, full, and thanks to a squirt of "Just
for Men", it is really, really dark. Lord knows what the heck has been buried in that beard for
the last five years. Chicken wings, sandpaper, a small child, A-Rod's PED's, and Lindsay
Lohan's phone number are some of the things that could be uncovered.
If 800Razors.com gets their way and comes up with enough cash for Wilson, we soon might
find out exactly what hidden treasures are in the beard. The razor company has reportedly
offered Wilson $1 million to shave his beard. A great stunt for sure, and one that could get
them a heckuva lot of free publicity by Friday morning, thanks to Twitter, Facebook, sports
radio, and television. Brilliant idea. Not sure $1 million is going to make Wilson change his
entire identity. We'll see. Here's a few other athletes, current and former, who razor, clipper,
and scissor companies would like to get a hold of.
THE CHIA PET OF TROY
I love this guy. Troy Polamalu is one of the best safeties in NFL history who is a heat-seeking
missile. The Steelers All-Pro never has to worry about concussions because he's got the most
well-protected head in the league. Just add water and it grows and grows and grows. Great cushioning prevents really hard hits to the dome.
THE HAIR OF DENNIS ECKERSLEY
It's 2013, but the Hall of Fame pitcher and NESN analyst has a head of hair that stuck in the
80's. He refuses to call it a mullet and won't let anyone else call it one, either. The "Eck",
who is one of the best analysts in the game and an even better guy, has tried to trim it up
from time to time, but he's just not feeling it. The long locks are just part of his identity. He
is one really cool dude. You could offer him $5 million and I don't think he'd shave it off.
THE BEARD OF JAMES HARDEN
The all-star from the Houston Rockets has a beard that has a lot of Brian Wilson in it. He
can't match the uniqueness Wilson's bush, but he undoubtedly has the best beard in the history
of the NBA. He definitely has to keep it away from Christmas candles and the gas grill.
THE DREADLOCKS OF STEPHEN JACKSON
I'm afraid if somebody cut of the famous dreads of Jackson, the Atlanta Falcons running
back would lose all his strength and speed. Check that, if he shaved off that mop, he'd knock
two-tenths of a second off his time in the 40-yard dash.
THE MOHAWK OF CHRIS "BIRDMAN" ANDERSON
I would love to shave the "Birdman's" hair off and then watch him cry. The super freak
of the Miami Heat has some serious ink and a hair doooooooo that makes him a player
that you just can't take your eyes off of. I think he'd take the million to shave his hair, though.
BRYCE HARPER'S "ROCKABILLY".
The kid isn't afraid to make a statement, but I don't know what kind of statement he's
trying to make with the "rockabilly" style. It makes him look like one of those possessed
dudes in the "Hills Have Eyes" scary movie.
THE HANDLE BARS
Harper's older brother, Bryan, has some style as well. The minor-league in the Washington
Nationals minor-league system is the modern day Rollie Fingers what this handle
bars mustache. It's kind of weird seeing a kid that young sporting that type of mustache.
Maybe 800razor.com could do a package deal with the Harper's and Fingers.
COCO'S CRISPY AFRO
I realize somebody may have already taken a weed whacker to the head of Coco Crisp,
but if the veteran outfielder decides to grow his fro' out again, I'd pay to see somebody
shear it off.