Tuesday, May 30, 2017


The mug shot.

It's like the tattoo that surrounds the left eye of Mike Tyson: it's never going away.
You can try to scrub, rinse, torch, peel, laser, or even bomb it, but that baby won't disappear.


Thanks to the Internet, you can be sure it'll be around long after you're six feet under, but your
grandkids and their grandkids will always be able to see how your pappy looked in one of his
darkest and most embarrassing moments.

Most people would much rather get a full-body message with a branding iron than have to see
their mug shot come up after Googling themselves. Some people would much rather be stoned
on Main Street than have to explain away that mug shot to a potential employer.

Tiger Woods must be feeling that way right about now, but as one of the most famous athletes
in the world, Eldrick doesn't have to go on-line to check it out. Every news operation around the
world is running his mug shot around the clock.

After being arrested for DUI thanks to what Tiger blamed on prescription meds, he might as
well be a piƱata with Aaron Judge taking his whacks. Social media is torching Tiger and every
dime store psychologist is weighing in on what they believe is wrong with Woods by studying
his mug shot.

This is from the Washington Post:

Woods’s eyes are half-open and appear unfocused. Bags of loose flesh sag under them. His
mouth is a straight line, suggesting anger, perhaps indifference. He does not look well, and he certainly does not appear happy.

I just love the last line of that prognosis: "he does not look well, and he certainly does not
appear to be happy." Seriously, the Washington Post pays you for that kind of analysis? Who
the hell looks happy while their mug shot is being taken, knowing full well it'll be splashed
across the world within seconds of its release. What should Tiger be doing? Blowing kisses
to the camera? Or smiling as if he just scored a waitress from Hooters?! 

Good, grief.

Tiger sure is an easy target, isn't he? There will be endless memes and bad jokes flooding
social media for days. Good thing "Saturday Night Live" is off for the summer.

The San Francisco Chronicle’s Scott Ostler wrote, “Tiger hasn’t won anything in years,
unless you count his victory in the ‘Scariest Police Mug Shot’ contest.” Sorry, Scott. Nick
Nolte cemented that title years ago. Try a little harder next time. You may get more than
10 likes on Twitter.

ESPN took liberties with Tiger's mug shot, photoshopping it to make it appear like Tiger
had more hair and wasn't as disheveled as he actually was. Should we accuse the World Wide
Leader of serving up some fakeness? That's just the American Way these days, I guess. Make something appear the way you want it to appear. Screw the facts, this is how I look at things
through my rose-colored glasses.

There was a time when Tiger's face was plastered all over everything: magazine covers, video
games, billboards, and on the walls of every waitress in Florida. Now, his face is everywhere
for all the wrong reasons and no matter how hard he tries to change it, it's not going to happen.

There was a time when everybody wanted to be Tiger Woods. He had it all: fame, fortune,
the greatest game a golf has ever had. After seeing his mug shot, nobody wants to be like Tiger

And that's a sad and tragic thing.

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