Friday, August 19, 2016
WHAT RYAN LOCHTE WOULD DO?
It's hard to believe Ryan Lochte had his own reality series that was shown on one
of those mindless networks that pollute the airwaves. Yep, in 2013, there was an
eight-episode series featuring the Olympic swimmer who lived his life more like
Spicoli than Spitz.
The title of the series? "What would Ryan Lochte do?"
The cameras followed Lochte after his impressive performance in the 2012 London
Olympics and the TV world found out that while Lochte swam a lot like Mark Spitz,
he was about as smart as Spicoli, the surfer dude featured in the classic movie,
"Fast Times at Ridgemont High."
Unbeknownst to Lochte, the cameras were on him during an early morning in
Rio during the Olympic games, capturing a moment that would change his life forever
while giving television producers, reporters, anchors, analysts, and world of critics
enough juicy content that should be labeled:
"What Ryan Locthe did."
Yeah, the frat boy made up a story that Manti Te'o would be proud of. But instead
of an imaginary girlfriend, Lochte made up a tale that included an imaginary gun being
thrust into his forehead, accompanied by a demand for all his money.
The world believed all of it, because that's what the world usually does. It believes
everything it hears and read, especially if it's on Twitter, Facebook, or any other of
the million ridiculous things that can be found on the Internet.
Turns out, Lochte's tales about he and three other American swimmers being robbed
at gunpoint, was one big lie. But hey, give Lochte a gold medal for a fertile imagination.
I mean, getting robbed at gunpoint by a group of Brazilians posing as law enforcement
officials complete with badges and uniform? That is awesome and probably made
Brian Williams scream to the heavens and say:
"Why didn't I think of that?"
Lochte concocted the story with a river of alcohol soaking up his pea for a brain.
That reality show he starred in three years ago must've sparked the creative side of
that pea brain and he asked himself:
"What would Ryan Lochte do?"
After trashing the bathroom at the gas station and being confronted by security,
Lochte's imagination started to run wild. Most people involved in that type of
situation, especially celebrities would try to keep the entire incident
a secret. I mean, who wants to tell anybody a 32-year-old man trashed a bathroom
at a gas station at six in the morning while bombed out of his mind?
What would Ryan Lochte do?"
Yeah, he texted his mommy and told her he and his buddies had been robbed
at gunpoint. Hey, that's a great story to tell that hot Brazilian you just met, but
not your mother! Way to go, Lochte. Your mom is only slightly less addicted
to attention than you.
What would Mrs. Lochte do? Yeah, she contacted somebody in the media and
the story got Usain Bolt-like legs and took off faster than the speedy Jamaican.
Most athletes-celebrities would lay low and try to temper the concocted story
and its aftermath.
What would Ryan Lochte do?
Yeah, he strolled down to the Olympic village and just happened to run into
Billy Bush of NBC and whatever show he is a host of. Lochte could've avoided
the attention, but he's addicted to it, so he gave Bush the "exclusive" on what
We were robbed at gunpoint, said Lochte. Some fierce looking guy put a gun
to my head and I was like, "whatever"
Whatever? Who says whatever while having a gun stuck into your forehead?
Oh, sure, Spicoli might've said, "Whatever. Just as long as you don't take my
weed or surfboard, you can take whatever you want."
Lochte made it seem like one of his BFF's told him he was canceling plans
to get his hair dyed silver just like him. "Whatever."
As the story about the early morning heist began to fall apart, most people would
disappear and stay quiet
What would Ryan Lochte do?
Well, he disappeared, leaving Brazil, but he couldn't resist talking about the
incident. Lochte spoke by phone to NBC's Matt Lauer and his original story
began to change. He told Lauer that the gun wasn't actually stuck in his forehead
but waved in his general direction. He also said the taxi he was in was not
pulled over by guys dressed up as cops.
When asked why the events of the story changed, Lochte blamed it on
"traumatic mischaracterizations." Traumatic mischaracterizations?! That's right
up there with Roger Clemens making up the word, "misremember."
Just over 24-hours after concocting this spectacular tale, it all blew up in
Ryan Locthe's face. He has been branded a liar forever and a big fraud. He
should be remembered as a world-class swimmer with a crate full of Olympic
gold, silver, and bronze instead, he is now one big liar.
What should Ryan Locthe do now?