Wednesday, February 24, 2016


Craig Kimbrel? Who the heck is he?

The David Ortiz Farewell tour? Yeah, get back to me when the Duck Boats are ready?

David Price? He's on the Red Sox? Wicked awesome!

Nobody in Red Sox nation cares about those guys and their stories.  Nope, not when
Pablo Sandoval showed up in Fort Meyers with the biggest gut the sunshine state has
seen since John Daly was pounding golf balls and beers in the Honda Classic.

Sandoval makes $17 million a year to play baseball and, hopefully, use a Stairmaster at
least three times during the off-season. Yes, the Panda is lovable, but nearly everyone in
the region obsessed with baseball and the Sawx, let out a collective (insert a thick
Boston accent here) WTF???????!!!!!!!! after seeing him arrive for spring training.

The media coverage has been out of control. They've written articles including advice
for Sandoval from leading dieticians in the world. Yep, showing up out of a shape to
spring training is considered blasphemous to those who worship the Red Sox in
the cathedral of baseball (Fenway Park).

I could almost hear Dean Wermer's voice echoing from Fenway Park South in Florida,
admonishing Sandoval for being a waste of an athlete, reciting one of the most memorable
lines (there were plenty) from "Animal House."

"Panda! Being fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

Several of the Red Sox power brokers addressed the media Tuesday about the state
of Sandoval with answers that were just so comical.  Management knows that, in this day
and age of the pampered athlete, saying anything that would offend or embarrass a
player could prove costly.

Here is a list the things they said about Sandoval and what they actually meant to

Team president Dave Dombrowski

What he said
"I'm not concerned."

What he actually meant
"Hell, yes, I'm concerned. He's slow, fat, can't move, and he's hitting like Bip Roberts.

What he said
"We were watching him very closely all winter."

What he actually meant
"We were watching him until he just disappeared like El Chapo. We couldn't find
him for nearly three months, but received multiple reports Pablo ran for the border and
almost made Taco Bell go out of business.

What he said
"We had people with him at least once a week."

What he actually meant
"We had people with him at least once a week. That's our fault. Next year, we're
paying Oprah to sit on him and tape his mouth shut."

What he said
"The goal was for Pablo to get in better overall condition."

What he actually meant
"The goal for Pablo was to lay off the Ring-Dings, Ho-ho's, and Suzy Q's.
That was a big fail."

What he said
"I feel like he did improve.”

What he actually meant
"Jesus. I'm starting to sound like Hilary Clinton.

Team chairman Tom Werner, who has never set foot in a gym or fitness center in his
life, also weighed in on Panda's weight. Asked if he was disappointed with Sandoval.

What he said
"Yes, I am."

What he actually meant
"Hell, yes, I am! When a professional ballplayer shows up in worse shape than Dr.
Charles Steinberg, that's a problem. A really big one!

What he said
"I would like to say as somebody who knows Pablo, he has a tremendous work ethic.”

What he actually meant
"I help pay his salary, but he doesn't have a clue who I am. He has no idea I created
the Cosby Show. But I've personally seen Panda destroy a buffet table and it's tremendous.
It would make for great TV."


  1. I would watch Panda on reality TV tearing into the buffet table just to see how it ends up. Can't be pretty but you are right it would be good TV. It's all about ratings and Panda would rate!

  2. New Diet Taps into Pioneering Plan to Help Dieters Lose 15 Pounds within Only 21 Days!