Thursday, March 19, 2015


Several weeks ago, another one of those new studies was unveiled to notify the world
that something else is bad for you. This time, it had nothing to do with coffee, alcohol,
sugar,  or watching an inordinate amount of reality shows, which we know by now,
thanks to all those "new studies", can cause irreparable damage to your medulla oblongata.

Nope, researchers at some university that pays its people a ridiculous amount of money
to look into things more ridiculous than the size of their paychecks, released a "new study"
that claims that Facebook can cause depression. That's right,  the mother of all the social
networks can be the culprit that gives birth to all those dark and gloomy days in your life.

The "new study" says some people see all those photos of their friends in Hawaii,
sitting in the front row at a U2 concert, or pictured with Kate Upton and think their own
lives stink.

Good, grief, if you're stalking your friends Facebook page and comparing
your lives to theirs, my new study says you are a loser.

If you're "depressed" because you don't feel your pictures at Chuck E. Cheese don't
measure up to your buddy who went to the Bahamas and posted a picture of himself
with a fish that's bigger than his fancy sports car that you saw on his Facebook page
last month, then you should probably shut down your account and steal your mother's
supply of Xanax.

Seriously, I never looked at Facebook as a depressant. I've long thought it's been
America's psychotherapist that you don't even have to pay for! It's far better than
Zoloft, Lexipro, Zimbalta (Love those commercials), and Welbutrin and you never
have to worry about those nasty side effects like, um, thoughts of suicide, lengthy
bouts of diarrhea, rapid heartbeat, or mood swings that threaten everyone in the

According to my "new study", people use Facebook to feel better about themselves,
placate their insecurities, create a sounding board for their random and thoughtless
thoughts, and to show their friends just how athletic they are even though they got
cut from every team they tried out for in high school.

And that's OK.

If someone is having a bad day, most just post a selfie. Those 129 'likes' are as good
as a week's worth of anti-depressants. In my new study, I find the most unhappy
or insecure people are the ones who post a selfie everyday because in their world, it
keeps the psychiatrist away.

If you feel like you get stuck in your daily routine and want to change your profile
picture more times than the number of days in a year, keep doing it. It may jumpstart
the rest of your life.

And that's not a bad thing.

If it feels better to post a picture of that nose, ankle, or arm you just broke, keep
using the Facebook medicine.

If you've hit the big 4-0 and are struggling with your body and a bit insecure about it,
go ahead and post that picture of you in that oh-so-tini-bikini when you were 25.
All those 'likes' and comments, "So hot", "Sizzlin'" and "Daaaaaaaamn", will put you
in a better mood!

If you are mad at a friend because she borrowed your favorite ginzu knife without
your permission and returned it with parts of onion stuck to it, it's OK to rail against
her and have friends respond, "You go girl!" or "OMG!" Every good psychiatrist
says it's not good to keep things pent up, so just keep using Facebook to release that
anger and hostile feelings.

If you are a television personality and need to get your Q-rating up, then keep
taking and posting pictures of you ON TV! Hey, if the ratings say nobody is watching
you,  then make sure all your friends know you actually are still on television.

I've never seen a doctor, salesperson, or an IT expert post pictures of themselves
at work, but if it helps promote and feel better about yourself, then by all means,
keep taking those selfies in the studio under the bright lights and with all that pancake
make-up and eyeliner!

According to my "new study" Facebook is here to cure your depression,
not cause it! It's America's most popular and effective psychotherapist.

And that's not a bad thing.

Mark Zuckerberg is a true genius. He got inside your medulla oblongata and
cerebellum and found that all those meds are a waste of time and money. Plus,
his users don't have to deal with those harmful side effects.

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