Thursday, March 5, 2015


If you watch the news, talk shows, or read the ridiculous amount of stories that people post
on Facebook, there's good chance you've become familiar with this line:

According to a new study...

People who don't read much often hear that from news anchors who have producers who
need to fill out shows after they talk about murders, drug busts, and the local high school
teacher who got arrested for having sex with one of her students.

That's when all these "new studies" are rolled out with enough ridiculous information to
make your head spin. Think I'm kidding? Try these on for size:

According to a new study in the Psychological Bulletin, doctors found in a review of
over three decades of nearly half a million participants that men are more likely to
demonstrate narcissistic behavior than woman, regardless of generation or age.

No way! Are you kidding me?!!! And doctors needed three decades to figure that
out? Damn, they could've cut down the time on that and spent two hours looking at
the pages of guys on Facebook. Countless selfies, shirtless photos, and scoring a
touchdown during the days of Pop Warner football are most likely to show up there.
Why the hell would a doctor have to look at the behavior of half-a-million participants
to find out men are more narcissistic? They could've just Googled A-Rod, John Edwards,
and Kanye West.

One of my all-time favorites was posted on Facebook a few days ago:

According to a new study by researchers at Canada's University of Alberta, the benefits
of resveratrol, a compound found in red wine, your body could receive some of the
benefits of hitting the gym without sweat-inducing exercise.

OMG! Why the hell have I been wasting so much time at the gym when I could get
hammered on the couch with a bottle of red wine and I don't even have to change
into my florescent yellow spandex shorts! The study went on to say the compound
might boost heart rate and amp up muscle performance. Who needs Viagara
anymore to "amp" up muscle performance when you can just drink red wine?

And get this: According to a new study in the journal of Nature Neuroscience which I
read religiously every week,  healthy people, ages 50 to 69, who drank a mixture
high in antioxidants called cocoa flavanols for three months performed better on
a memory test than people who drank a low-flavanol mixture.

You know what that means? I can have Ring Dings, Ho-Ho's, and dark chocolate with
my red wine. I can improve my fitness and memory level without ever leaving
my house. Man, these new studies are great! I learn something new every day.

I also discovered that multi-tasking could possibly be effecting my brain! How come I
didn't know that doing several things at once was making me dumber? Well, I should've
been hooked into the University of London where, according to a new study participants
who multi-tasked during cognitive tasks experienced IQ score declines that were similar
to what they’d expect if they had smoked marijuana or stayed up all night. IQ drops of
15 points for multitasking men lowered their scores to the average range of an
8-year-old child.

Who knew? Is marijuana legal in Connecticut, by the way?

However, all these new studies can get awfully confusing. Take coffee, for instance.
One day, the Today show says drinking a lot of coffee is good for you. Switch over
to Good Morning America and they're saying that you're going to die soon if you
guzzle down too much java. Who the heck is right?

Well, I'm glad I asked. According to a new study released by Mayo Clinic Proceedings
found that, "Drinking large amounts of coffee may be bad" for people under the
age of 55. The study of more than 40,000 individuals found a statistically significant
21% increased mortality in those drinking more than 28 cups of coffee a week."

Holy cow! I'm going to die....but wait.

According to another study by the Duke-NUS Graduate Medical School in Singapore,
drinking four cups of coffee a day could reduce the risk of non-alcoholic fatty liver disease,
also known as NAFLD.

Well, golly, I'm going to sleep better knowing  those four cups of coffee from Dunkin
Donuts I guzzle down tomorrow are going to help cut down the risk of non-alcoholic
fatty liver disease which seems to be a problem with the woman I date between the
ages of 72 and 88.

First thing they ask me is, "Do you have non-alcoholic fatty liver disease?" If I hesitate
for even a second they are off like a prom dress.

These studies are often so ridiculous, I feel the science programs at these universities
just make outrageous ones just so they can get some crazy press or become "trending"
on Twitter.

Perhaps, there is just so much competition in the "new study" industry, they have to
be borderline Brian Williams to justify the amount of money spend on research or even
their jobs.

Can't you just picture them at the water cooler when the school president
comes by?

President: I heard Wexler University had a new study that says Facebook can lead
to depression?

Scientists: Facebook and depression? That's outrageous. Our new study suggests
that Facebook is actually America's Psychotherapist. If people have a bad day or
are feeling depressed, they can just post a flattering picture of themselves and that
will get them 100 'likes' which usually makes them real happy. They don't need
meds or time with a professional. They just log on to Facebook and go at it.

President: Interesting. Did you tweet that to the media yet?

Yep, according to my new study, all these new studies are ridiculous and a waste of
time, money, and space on the Facebook news feed. But they can be real funny and
provide a little entertainment.

1 comment:

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