Saturday, January 24, 2015


The NFL's investigation of DeflateGate is being conducted by league executive vice president
Jeff Pash and Ted Wells of the law firm of Paul Weiss. However, sources close to SportsRip
said the NFL has already used Pete Schweddy and former Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice
to test the Patriots balls to see if they were mishandled before the AFC Championship game
against the Indianapolis Colts.

SportsRip has attained an exclusive copy of the transcript of the testing procedures of Rice
and Schweddy, owner of "Season's Eatings", where he makes balls of all shapes and sizes.

Schweddy: Oh, look at all those balls. They are really beautiful. And to think Tom Brady
handled each and every one of those balls.

Rice: Give me those god damn, mother f#(!k#*ng balls! I want to see how far and fast I
can fling them at moving targets!

Schweddy: Settle down, nutbag. These are really special balls that have to be handled carefully.

Rice: You're right, I just kind of snapped. Sorry.

Schweddy: Now, look at this one. It seems to be a lot harder than the other ones and has
a really smooth texture.

Rice; Yeah, the better to pick off some kid during a game of bombardament.

Schweddy: Mike, if I have to tell you to calm down again, you're done.

Rice: My bad.

Schweddy: This ball seems to have shrunk just a bit, probably because it was left out
in the cold too long.

Rice: Hmmmm, interesting.

Schweddy: This one appears to have been hard at first, then went a little soft. It just
doesn't feel right.

Rice: Give me that ball. I need to test it out against that wall over there. (Fires a ball that
shatters a window in the laboratory)

Schweddy: Mike, you are out of control. We are testing balls. This is not Rutgers and that
wall is not a basketball player that you hate. Calm the f*-k down!

Rice; Sorry, I'm having trouble controlling myself. I see those balls and my blood pressure

Schweddy: Well, apparently, the pressure of these balls went down after the referees tested
them two hours before the game. They seem pretty hard and smooth to me. I don't know
what everybody is bitching about. Brady still has to throw a perfect pass doesn't he?

Rice: I would assume so. But it was cold and rainy and a lot of people think Brady is old.
He could've just been trying to get a better grip.

Schweddy: Well, I've gripped these balls over and over and over again. I am hard--um, I
mean, the balls are hard enough to throw hot missiles in the cold weather.

Rice: Oh, man, let me just launch a few at those students out in the hallway, please?

Schweddy: No, Mike sit the hell down and control your temper.

Rice: OK.

Schweddy: I have studied every one of these balls. They are smooth and all but hard. But
they are still tacky enough to grip. I don't know what all the fuss has been about. These balls
are some of the finest I've ever seen. Kind of soft, yet firm enough. Of course there can be
shrinkage in the wicked cold weather, but I don't see enough evidence where the Patriots
could have mishandled these balls in an illegal way.

I will tell Mr. Goodell, that while he may not have any balls, the ones with his name on it
are good to go.

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