In the upcoming murder trial of former NFL player Aaron Hernandez, there is a chance Bill
Belichick will be called to the stand, which might just make the head coach of the New England
Patriots the most highly-anticipated celebrity witness since Kato Kaelin took the oath in the
trial of O.J. Simpson. Anybody who has seen Belichick during his press conferences knows
this could make for some great court drama. The Hoodie is often evasive, rude, secretive, and
well, just a prick. He gives the impression he'd much rather have a root canal while Rex Ryan
pulls the nails off his toes with a pliers than answering questions from the media.
Seeing Belichick under examination in court could be worth the price of admission--if there
Belichick, who says he doesn't do Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, or any other form of social
media, reportedly texted 34 messages to Hernandez in the months leading up to the murder
the former tight end is accused of.
If Belichick does indeed take the stand, there's a good chance it could play out like this.
Defense attorney: Mr. Belichick, can you state for the record what your relationship was with
Belichick: I'm a coach, he was a player, it is what it is, or in this case, it is what it was.
Coaches coach, players play. That was the extent of it.
Defense attorney: Mr. Belichick, the records show that you and Mr. Hernandez exchanged
34 texts messages. Do you recall the content of those messages?
Defense attorney: Mr. Belichick, this is a trial and you are under oath. Unless you plan
on invoking the fifth amendment, please answer the question.
Belichick: Right. I think Hernandez was looking for some advice on surveillance video
for his home.
Defense attorney: And you have some expertise in that area?
Belichick: A little.
Defense attorney: Do you care to elaborate on that?
Belichick: Not really. Spygate. Ask Roger Goodell. He has all the answers.
Defense attorney: Mr. Belichick. May I remind you, Roger Goodell is not on the witness stand.
Belichick: I know about surveillance videotaping other teams. I certainly wouldn't tell him to
videotape criminal activity involving himself in his own home. He only scored a 7 on his
wonderlic test, so he wasn't the brightest bulb on the tree, but he could run a 4.5 40, so we
Defense attorney: What else did you discuss?
Belichick: That's stuff's in the past. We're moving on to deliberations.
Judge: Excuse me, Mr. Belichick, this is my court room, I'll let you know when we're moving
on to deliberations.
Belichick: (Smirks...pauses...then laughs)
Defense attorney: Mr. Belichick, anything else?
Belichick: He wanted a couple of Hoodies for something he didn't care to discuss, so
I didn't ask.
Defense attorney: At any time did you use the acronyms, LOL, OMG, or WTF?
Belichick: Are you serious? I don't even know what any of those things mean.
Defensive attorney: Is there anything else you'd like to add.
Belichick: No. What happened, happened. What hasn't happened, hasn't. And you can't change
what can't be change. The past is in the past and usually stays there.
Defense attorney: You're excused.