Wednesday, October 29, 2014


We are a long ways off from April 1 but the biggest fool in the history of major league
baseball did something that produced headlines around the country that made us wonder
if April Fool's Day had come early.

Early Tuesday morning,  Jose Canseco channeled his inner Plaxico Burress and accidentally
shot himself. Yep, the Steroid King was cleaning his gun at 2:30 p.m. which is always just
a great time to pipe and polish a weapon, when suddenly the gun went off, a bullet tearing
through his finger. I bet that kind of hurt, even for man who's probably still jacked up on
the juice.

I think I'm going to petition the Las Vegas Police Department for the 9-1-1 tape because I
have a feeling it contains some unbridled comedy:

Operator: 9-1-1 what is your emergency?

Canseco: Yeah, this is Jose Canseco and I accidentally shot myself.

Operator: You mean, Jose Canseco, that fool who had a ball bounce off his head for a home run?

Canseco: Yeah, but I looked good doing it, though. I was cleaning my gun and it went off.

Operator: So, let me get this straight. You're Jose Canseco and you accidentally shot yourself?

Canseco: That's right, can you get someone here quick? I may bleed to death.

Operator: OK, hold on a second Mr. Canseco. (Operator turns to her co-workers and starts
laughing out loud. "Jose Canseco is on the line and he shot his friggin' finger off!" Huge
laughs could be heard in the background.

Operator: (still laughing) Mr. Canseco, can you tell me which piggly-wiggly it is?
Is it the little piggly that went to the market? The little piggly who had roast beef
or the little piggly who had none? (laughing out loud)

Canseco was taken to the hospital and his fiance', believed to be his fifth one, tweeted to
the world and asked for prayers as if he accidentally shot himself in the head.
(Because that's what everybody does these days, right? They tweet about the
weather, what they're eating, and how they're passing gas, so tweeting about a fiance'
blowing off his finger is good stuff, especially when it's Jose Canseco.)

I don't know, it  must be a great coincidence that Canseco 'accidentally' shot himself
before Game 6 and the biggest one of the World Series. I mean, really, could we put it
past a guy who craves attention as much as Kim Kardashian, to do something really
stupid just to get a few headlines and be relevant again, albeit for the 24-hour news cycle?

BREAKING NEWS: Canseco's fiancé has just delivered a tweet:

"finally safe and sound with my love bug . So glad he's ok."

Jose Canseco, the 'Love Bug' is ok. Now we can go back to our regularly scheduled
program! Good, grief.

This is a former player with 462 career home runs who was blackballed in baseball for
outing a lot of players in a book about steroids. This is a guy who once rammed his
Ferrarri into his ex-wife's Ferrari. (Don't know which ex-wife it was).

He also hung out with Madonna, got his ass kicked in mixed-martial arts with a 7-foot
Chinese guy, fought Vai Sikahema (got his ass kicked by him, too) and was supposed to
fight Lenny Dykstra, who would've also given him a beat down. But Canseco wasn't
winless as a fighter, after all, he did beat former Partridge Family legend Danny Bonaduce
in a thriller.

Canseco also had his twin brother, Ozzie, pose as him and get in the ring with another
opponent, which didn't go over too well. And yes, he was on that award-winning show,
"Joe's vs the Pro's". Shall I keep going?

Jose Canseco is his own three-ring circus, tent included. He seems to have a serious
case of A.D.D. No, I'm not talking about the one you're thinking about that you or
your kid probably have. (I have it, too, and so does the entire country, so don't be offended.)

Canseco's problem is that he's so addicted to attention that when he's deprived of it,
he becomes like a junkie that has to get his fix---and maybe even at the cost of his finger.
(wink,wink). He is probably upset the baseball world has gone on without him and
nobody had even mentioned his name during the post-season. He was probably shocked that
Joe Buck didn't say anything about his tape-measure blast against Toronto in the
playoffs many moons ago.

Perhaps, ESPN will get the exclusive and have Canseco on for the "Sunday Conversation".
Don't think Jose didn't have those thoughts going through his head.

Canseco would be a perfect fit for the Kardashian's reality show. Come to think of it, he
should have his own with the title: "Train Wreck"

Go away, Jose, just go away.

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