Monday, February 17, 2014


10. In the 2000 World Series, Roger Clemens threw an inside heater that sawed the bat of
Mike Piazza in two pieces, one of which the Rocket hauled in. Clemens then proceeded to fire
the piece of timber at the Mets catcher who was running to first base.

During the ensuing  argument, Clemens told the umpires he "thought it (the bat) was the ball."
It was clearly a case of 'misremembering' because players that usually field a ball during the
game, throw it to  first base to get an out, not try to impale the runner. Nice one, Rocket.

9. After Tiger Woods cheated on his wife with every porn star, pin-up, and waitress from
Perkins that didn't get their own reality show, El Tigre stepped out from behind a cheesy blue
curtain to tell the world the reason he became a serial adulterer was that he "felt entitled". Really,
that's the best you and your dream team from IMG could come up with? Entitled? Yep, that'll
make people forgive you and come to your defense. Works every time.

8. Several years ago, Houston Texans linebacker Brian Cushing failed a drug test for PED's.
His excuse? Over-training Syndrome. Give 'Cush' big points for originality. When my doctor
told me there were traces of Dunkin Donuts in my urine,  'over-training syndrome' was the
excuse I gave him.

 7. Before Anthony Bosch, it was a FedEx man that screwed Ryan Braun. The Milwaukee
Brewers outfielder blamed his absurdly high traces of testosterone in his urine to a FedEx
man who compromised the integrity by not getting into the lab 'positively overnight'. Braun
then told people that the FedEx was really a Cubs fan who was 'out to get him'. Hey, millions
of people believed George Bush when he said the Iraqis had weapons of mass destruction, so
what the hell? Braun threw everything against the wall and it stuck--until he got stupid and
started calling Bosch on his cell phone.

 6. We know by now that every cyclist from Floyd Landis to Lance Armstrong is dirty.
The Tour De France is like riding your bike from NYC to Dallas, Texas in three weeks.
You think cyclists re-fuel with Power Bars and Gu gels? Right. After Alberto Contador
finished with the yellow jersey and was found to have more than Flinstone vitamins in
his urine, Contador blamed the positive test on 'tainted meat'. Those god-dang steer were
downing Gummies faster than A-Rod. Cushing thought better of using this excuse for
being dirty.

 5. After Bode Miller failed to medal in the men's downhill in Sochi, Miller threw out
the kitchen sink as to why he bombed. Miller blamed it on cloud cover, visibility, and
everything outside of mistakenly putting in his wife's contacts on the morning of the race. Man,
I should've come up with those excuses when I was striking out in baseball all those
years. Yeah, that's it. Cloud cover. Those nimbo-stratus clouds are a a pain in the ass.

 4. During the congressional hearing on steroid use in baseball in 2005, Sammy Sosa
was asked about his involvement with PED's. Sosa didn't invoke his right to use
the Fifth Amendment, but rather the "no comprende" excercise.  "I speak no English.
I no understand the question. Ask McGwire." Well, the part about asking Big Mac wasn't
true, but the rest of it is. Classic, Sammy.

3. The much-heralded and apparently over-hyped U.S. Speedskating team blamed
it's poor performance in the first six races on those high-tech Under Armour suits.
They were so freaked out by the Mach39's, the team went back to the Under Armour
suits they wore when they dominated the World Cup. And what happened? Still
no medals. Better grab a Snickers fellas, you ain't going anywhere or winning any
medals for a while.

2. On Thanksgiving Day 2011, Ndamukong Suh of the Detroit Lions was ejected
for trying to impale Green Bay's Evan Dietrich-Smith  with his foot. And that was after
Suh tried to drive the dude's head into the turf like nine times. Suh must not have thought
the game was nationally televised and nobody saw his WWE act because he said:

 "What I did was remove myself from the situation the best way I felt, with me being
held down. My intention was not to kick anybody, as I did not, removing myself. As I'm
getting up, I'm getting pushed, so I'm getting myself on balance". Paging Mr. Clemens,
paging Mr. Clemens. Mr. Suh didn't even 'misremember' anything. He just lied through
his pie hole with that excuse.

1. The mother of all excuse goes to cyclist Tyler Hamilton, who after being found
to be dirty, brought down Lance Armstrong for being filthy on the circuit, too. After
failing a drug test several years ago that showed somebody else's blood in his urine,
which is a sure sign of a blood transfusion, Hamilton said said his test result
came not from an illegal blood transfusion, but from his twin that lives inside him.

He was dead serious. But as all cyclists do, he later admitted to cheating.


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