"There is no crying in baseball!"
Didn't we all learn that from Tom Hanks' drunken and sour character in "A League of Their Own"?
Apparently, the U.S Speedskating team never saw the movie, got the message, or didn't feel
it applied to their world that seems to have more drama than an episode of the Kardashians.
Since Eric Heiden dominated the 1980 Olympic Games in his electric gold racing suit, the
Americans have been a fixture on the medal stand. However, in Sochi, there have been no
medals or smiling faces. The United States has performed worse than the Jamaican bobsled
team and there have been enough tears to fill up that six-inch space between Justin Bieber's ears.
All because of the racing suits. Yep, their Under Armour-made racing suits are to blame.
(Insert Allan Iverson's tone and theatrics here)
"We're talking about the suits, not thunder thighs or an incredible work ethic, but suits! Not
great technique or mental toughness, but specially-crafted, aerodynamically perfected suits!
No, not heart, will, or desire, but skin-tight racing suits!"
In the first six speedskating races in Sochi, no American finished higher than seventh.
Of course, it just had to be because of their new Mach 39 Under Armour racing suits.
You know, the ones skater Patrick Meek proclaimed to be "the fastest speedskating suit
ever made", before the Olympics?
You know, those skin-tight, ultra-light ones developed in partnership with Lockheed Martin
— the aerospace and military contractor — and promised the best aerodynamics yet.
You know, the ones the Maryland football program thought would lead them to national
prominence. Wait, sorry, wrong sport.
You know, the ones the U.S Slow-skaters seem to be crying about since they don't have
any medals around their necks.
"The best thing would have been to make sure that these suits were what the people said
they were, so that we can actually know going into the races instead of finding out on one
of the biggest races of our lives," Davis told the Associated Press.
Man, if a reality show producer needs some new talent for the "Housewives" of everywhere
series, he won't have far to look for Terrell Owen-sized divas. Lord, help us.
And by the way, Shani. Did you and the U.S. Skating Federation just find out your Olympic
events were this week? You had years to figure out if these suits were OK and you're
complaining about it now?
Look, I understand a little something about wind resistance and all that stuff when it comes
to better performance. I get it. But the Americans blaming their poor performances on their
suits is really bad form.
It'd be like Tiger Woods crying about the graphite shaft of his Nike driver after air-mailing
another drive two fairways over and hitting another patron on the head.
It'd be like Roger Federer losing to Rafael Nadal in another big Grand Slam event and
complaining because his headband was too thick and too tight.
It'd be like the Upton brothers blaming all 285 strikeouts of their strikeouts last summer
on their flame-tempered Louisville Slugger bats.
You just don't do it.
The American slow-skaters were so freaked out by their performance in the first
six events, they switched out of their new suits into the Under Armour-models they
wore when they dominated the World Cup. Yeah, that'll do it. Gold medal stand, here
You know what happened?
Well, let's just say than no American still hasn't finished better than seventh. Wow, it
must've been the skates, not the suits.
I listened to an NBC reporter's interview with Davis and of course, the subject of the suits
came up. I just did a SMH, or whatever people call it these days. Davis looked like a
child who didn't get the present he wanted from Toys R Us.
Nike should bring back Mars Blackmon and mock Under Armour and their suits with a
commercial announcing to the world that "it's gotta be the suits, Michael, is just gotta be
the suits." Yes, it would be bad form, but it'd be pretty darn funny.
Incidentally, the Dutch national team is wearing new high-tech suits during the Olympics,
too. They've won 13 medals through seven events.
Michael, it's gotta the suits! It's just gotta be the suits!