Monday, December 2, 2013


I missed out on Black Friday because I didn't want to deal with the crowds and taser-wielding
freaks who wanted to beat the competition to save $50 bucks on the game of Twister. But I
did get up early for Cyber Monday. Man, did I get some great deals! Here are a few things
that I purchased with my best friends credit card.

STUN GUN. If I do camp out all night for Black Friday next year, I'm going to be prepared
to deal with all those crazy people in a hurry to get that Nutri-Bullet for half-price. Forget about
the tasers, I'm going with the Cadillac of stun guns. 300,000 volts should be enough to knock
out somebody the size of Vince Wilfork. had one listed for only $24.99! Cyber Monday is awesome!

TATTOO KIT.  After losing out once again for People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" honor,
I had a thorough self-examination. I surmised that I was just lacking some ink. Adam Levine
had tattoos all over the place and that gave him the nod over me in 2013. I went on-line and
found a home-kit for tattoos for $104. I can make the payment in three easy installments so
it was real deal.

THE WHIZZANATOR I got an early jump on shopping for some of my not-so-close
friends. I found the perfect gift for Ryan Braun, Von Miller, and the Jamaican track team.
The Whizzator allows anyone to beat a drug test without blaming it on a FedEx courier or
tainted meat. Great deal. It cost me just $99 for two kits. Cyber Monday is flat-
out awesome.

THE BOOK OF A-ROD Speaking of drug cheats, A-Rod has a wonderful book on his
life and times. "A-Rod: Major League Hero" could make for a great stocking stuffer.
Foreward by Anthony Bosch, and get this: There are  8 color photos inside. The one of 
A-Rod kissing himself in the mirror sold separately. I managed to get this sure-to-be New
York Times Best-Seller for $4.48! What a bargain!

LIE DETECTOR TEST.  It's amazing what was out in Cyber space on December 2nd.
I found a lie detector test that electrocutes a person telling true lies. This would be perfect
for Brad Steinke, who tells more tell tales than Lance Armstrong, Ryan Braun, Tiger Woods,
A-Rod, and Micheal Vick combined. Brad, I'll give you one question. If this device shows
that you're not lying, I will give you $10,000 on the spot. What? You suddenly got sick?
That's what I thought.

GOLF RULES ON THE SPOT What do you give the golfer who has everything? How
bout the rules of golf for your back pocket. This is the perfect gift for Tiger Woods who
will know longer have to "guess" on his penalty drops during his PGA tournaments.

BODY PIERCING KIT It's really amazing what you can find on-line these days. I was
debating whether or not to pierce my tongue, but it became a no-brainer after I bought the
home body piercing kit for $79.95. To be able to yell, scream, and bite down hard on my
tongue in the comforts of my own home was just too good to pass up.

RON BURGUNDY MAKE-UP KIT Who is hottest television anchor on television right
now? Brian Williams? Doubt it? Matt Lauer? Be real. Ron Burgundy is the most-talked
about TV personality on TV right now! With his movie set to debut this month, he is everywhere.

I found a Ron Burgundy anchorman kit on Amazon. It's complete with a wig and mustache.
I ordered it just in case I wanted to make a real comeback. It can be yours for $24.99. Guaranteed
to be a big hit next Halloween as well.

1 comment: