Tuesday, May 7, 2013

GOVERNOR CHRISTIE IS TIRED OF LIVING LARGE

 

Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey finally waved the white flag. He grew tired of the fad diets, personal training, jokes, unflattering pictures, and questions about his health. So, Christie did what
other big and fat men like Rex Ryan, Rob Ryan, John Daly, and Charlie Weis did. He underwent
lap band surgery. Yep, the same doctor who shrunk the stomach of the Jets head coach down to
size, tightened things up for the future presidential candidate, and wa-la! Christie has reportedly
lost 40 pounds since February.

I say, good for Governor Chris Christie.

Christie was well aware that he was the butt of a lot of jokes and saw a lot of photoshopped
pictures of himself with sandwiches, burgers, and whole sides of beef circulating on the Internet.
He convinced himself he was tough enough to handle everything that came with his ginormous
girth, but come on, the guy's only human. That stuff hurts. And, at 50 years old, Christie was
genuinely worried about not being around much longer for his wife and kids. So, he gave the
doctor the green light to put that little band around the entrance way to his stomach and tighten
that sucker up.


Good for Governor Christie. Losing weight can be a bitch, especially at his age. Nothing
wrong with cutting a corner or two. Is it 'cheating'? Who the heck cares, after all, the entire
world seems to be taking the easy way out these days. Lance Armstrong cheated and so did just
about every baseball player who hit over 30 home runs. Even those dang Chinese badminton
players tried to cheat the system by losing in the early stages of the Olympics to get a better seeding.

I just hope Christie's lap-band surgery works better than the first one Rex went through. That guy
dang near made that rubber band go snack, crackle, and pop. He was shoving 12 tacos at one
sitting down his pie hole. Good, lord. His doctor reeled him in and pretty much said, "WTF?,
you're  making me look bad." On round two, Rex lost close to 100 pounds and now he's known
as sexy Rexy. Oh, he's still a clown, but he's a skinnier one, now.


John Daly had a lot of success early on with his lap-band surgery. The winner of two majors
was looking like the Stay-Puff Marshmallow from the movie, "Ghostbusters." The only exercise
Daly got in his life was either by lighting up his cigarettes or beating up six of his seven wives,
which quickly became ex-wives. Daly shed about 100 pounds with the surgery. His game didn't
get any better, but he cut down on the number of arrests for domestic violence episodes and some
company, desperately for publicity, signed him up to wear some god-awful outfits while he
hacked it up on the golf course. Daly eventually went back to being 'Big John' as he gained about
50 pounds back.

Many people who have lap-band surgery do eventually gain most, or all the weight they lost
because of it. Old habits take over and the mantra becomes, "Oh, what the hell. This box of
Boston crème donuts from Dunkin' ain't going to kill me." Remember that Wilson chick? Man,
she became skinny as a rail, then BOOM! Hello, triple chins! Guess they didn't make those
rubber bands very strong back in the day. Wilson busted right through hers just like Ryan.


I sure hope Christie can keep the mojo going. He's probably going to look pretty funny as a
skinny man. Think Al Sharpton after his dramatic weight loss (Sharpton, to his credit, did it
naturally. No surgery involved.) Christie has a huge melon sitting atop his shoulders and if he
loses, say, 100 pounds, he's going to look pretty funny.

But in all seriousness, I'm happy that Christie chose to get the lap-band surgery. Carrying all
that weight around is not healthy for the heart. I'm happy that he had his family in mind, rather
than his political career, which might just take him to the White House in 2016.

I'm looking forward to seeing the final result and happy that I never had to see the governor
shirtless on "The Biggest Loser". You go, governor, you go. You deserve to be known for your
accomplishments rather than you girth.

1 comment:

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