Friday, May 17, 2013
$550 MILLION POWERBALL: THINGS I'LL BUY AFTER I WIN.
The Powerball lottery has reached a staggering $550 million. Next drawing take places on
Saturday and I'm thinking it could be my lucky day. Here are a few of things I'm going to spend
some money on after I hit it big.
DESIGN, BUILD, AND PLACE A BOSTON STRONG STATUE
The iconic photo of Carlos Arredondo and Jeff Bauman is an unforgettable image from the
Boston Marathon bombings. It signifies courage, determination, unselfishness, and strength.
I'd create a statue from the photo and buy a piece of real estate near the finish line on Boylston
Street and place it there so it will be a reminder that good always overcomes evil.
PURCHASE EVERY UGLY UNIFORM IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL TO SPARE
US THE PAIN OF SEEING THEM AGAIN. Maryland, West Virginia, South Carolina,
and a number of other schools broke out alternative uniforms made by Nike, Addidas, and
Under Armour. Let's get back to having some tradition, please.
BUY TITUS YOUNG A 10-PACK OF THERAPY SESSIONS WITH DR. PHIL.
It's been a rough week for the NFL receiver. Young was arrested three times, including twice on
on the same day. His father told the world Titus has "mental problems", which might just be the
understatement of the year. Titus is still sitting in prison, so I'm going to use some of my winnings
to bail him out and send him to Dr. Phil. Titus needs some TLC and a little self-exploration and
Dr. Phil could be the guy to help get his life in order and stay off the police blotter.
PURCHASE P90X VIDEO AND NUTRISYSTEM MEAL PLAN FOR OJ SIMPSON.
Did you see the pictures of the juice at his recent court appearance? Wow. Simpson looked like
Re-Run from the 70's hit show, "What's Happening?" Seems like the only thing happening in
Simpon's joint is that he's stealing the food of all the other inmates. He's said to be tipping the
scales at 270, or about the average weight of his offensive line in Buffalo. P90x is in order for
the Juice, along with a balanced diet.
SPEAKING OF FOOD....
I'm going to pay Mark Zuckerberg $10 million to ban people from posting pictures of their
food on Facebook. A cheeseburger? Come, on. I've never seen that before. Enjoy your meal,
enjoy your company, but just don't stop in the middle of a restaurant to go all Ansel Adams
with your chow.
BUY THE MIAMI MARLINS. South Florida needs a major league team, not a AA one.
Owner Jeff Loria snookered the taxpayers into all but paying for the parking lots at their new
facility, then traded away all his high-profile players. Everybody in the city hates Loria and
the team stinks. I'll buy the team, sign Giancarlo Stanton to a long-term contract, and make
sure to have buy-one, get-one free Cuban sandwiches every night of the week. I'm thinking
about buying the Dodgers and Angels, too, because they, like the Marlins, they are a mess
PURCHASE THE RIGHTS TO HOSTESS FOOD PRODUCTS. I don't know where
that fiasco stands, but I'm going to pony up and buy every Twinkie, Ring Ding, and Ho-Ho on
the planet. I won't post the pictures on Facebook, but I will be stuffing my face with all
those treats, morning, noon, and night.
PAY DENNIS RODMAN $50 MILLION TO ATTACH HIMSELF TO A NUCLEAR
WARHEAD. I'm so tired of this guy. He needs to go away. The Worm's circus act in North
Korea was just another embarrassment in a life filled with them. He can used the money to
pay off the balance of the child support bill he has outstanding and use what's left to secure
a spot for a ride on a North Korean missile headed for the ocean.
PAY SOMEONE TO SHOW TIGER WOODS HOW TO MAKE A LEGAL DROP
PURCHASE THE LARGEST TENT IN THE WORLD TO PUT OVER THE CIRCUS
THAT IS NEW YORK JETS.
SEND BOBBY VALENTINE THE BOOK, "HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE
PEOPLE". The former Red Sox manager has a history of alienating people at the word, "Hello."
On July 1st, Bobby V will take over as the athletic director at Sacred Heart University. This book
might help him smooth out some of his rough edges and get people on his side----for once.