Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I AM TIGER WOODS


I am Tiger Woods. Nike paid me millions of dollars to say that in one of my commercials,
so when I took all those pictures with my new love, Lindsey Vonn, I made sure the big
swoosh was included. Nike stuck with me after all my other sponsors bolted after that little
scandal I had. Nike, Tiger, and Lindsey. What a threesome!


I am Tiger Woods and I know what you're thinking after I said 'threesome'. Stop it. Just
stop it.

I am Tiger Woods and the he last time I posted pictures being all lovie-dovie with my
family, I made like Humpty Dumpty and had a great fall. What a mess that was, but I've
picked up the pieces and I'm whole again, kind of.

 
I am Tiger Woods and I want to know who started the rumor that I offered Elin $200 million
to come back to me. $200 million? Please! Do you know how many porn stars, strippers,
pin-ups, and waitresses from Denny's I could've entertained with that amount of money?

I am Tiger Woods. Did you notice I have a thing for blondes?


I am Tiger Woods and my therapist has advised me never to text woman again, so I do
everything through Facebook and Twitter. That's safe, right?

I am Tiger Woods and I am the 'Man' once again. I've got Lindsey and have already won
two tournaments already. Mickelson still has man-boobs and Rory is all twisted in the
head with his new clubs. Only a matter of time before I'm number one in the world again.
Hoo-waah.

I am Tiger Woods and I don't hear Stevie Williams talking now. He's nothing without me.

I am Tiger Woods. Hank Haney wrote a book about me that nobody read. It was called the
'Big Miss.' How fitting.

I am Tiger Woods. I've got my game back and now, Linsdsey Vonn. Nike should make a
new commericial with a big bold headline that reads, "I am Tiger Woods. How do you like
me now?"

1 comment:

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