Monday, January 14, 2013


Sportsrip has acquired the exclusive transcript of  Lance Armstrong's interview
with Oprah Winfrey. Since the interview will air Thursday on the Oprah Winfrey
Network (OWN) or the network nobody watches (NNW) or simply, the network
that few people know even exists, the Sportsrip will print the script in its entirety.

Oprah: Lance, this must be really be a difficult thing for you to do.

Armstrong: Not really. I saw the press conference of Tiger Woods after he
cheated on his wife with every porn star, stripper, and waitress who worked
at Perkins. I just cheated in cycling with a bunch of men in spandex competing in
a sport that nobody cares about except for about 30 seconds in July. No biggie.

Oprah: Everybody wants to know so I have to ask. Did you use PED's to win
all those Tour de France titles?

Armstrong: Yes. You know, Oprah. You were really good in, "The Color Purple".
I think that was your finest moment as an actress. It was like you were in the zone
when you were playing Sofia. Wow. You were good. Very good. Do you want my

Oprah: Lance, you denied that you ever used PED's for more than 10 years. Do
you feel any remorse or regret that you deceived the American people for so long?

Armstrong: Kind of. What's up with you and that guy, Steadman? I see that as one
really weird relationship, you know. Better yet, what's the deal with Gayle King?
You guys have  been friends for a long, long time. Have you ever, you know, kissed
her with meaning?

Oprah: Um, Lance. We're not here to talk about my life. This is about you. How
was it that you were able to beat more than 500 drug tests? How was it that every
other winner of the Tour de France tested positive for PED's but not you?

Armstrong: It really wasn't that hard. By the way, what diet are you on now?
Miami Beach diet? Grapefruit? Remember when you brought that slab of fat
out in a little red wagon and squeezed into those Calvin Klein jeans?  Have you
tried P90x? That is really awesome, I hear. I can give you the number of my
personal trainer, if you'd like.

Oprah: Lance, hahaha, let's stay on point. We're hear to talk about how you
duped the American people for so long. You accused your teammates like
Floyd Lands and Tyler Hamilton of trying to "get you" after they claimed that
you doped to win all those titles. What's up with that?

Armstrong: What's up with that? What's up with this network. OWN? You own
a lot of debt but little else. Does anybody even watch this station? I can't even find
it on the dial. The only reason it's on "OWN" is because the Discovery Channel owns
half of it. As you know, they sponsored me for about four years and paid me HUGE,
and I mean, huge, dollars. Not A-Rod money. More like Josh Hamilton coin. I owed
them a little something, so here we are.

Oprah: Ooooooooooh K, now. If you could look into the camera and say something
to the American people, what would you say.

Armstrong: Screw 'em. I'm Lance Armstrong. Is that a great name or what? Lance
Armstrong. Do you know I'm worth more than $100 million and I was married to
Sheryl Crow once?  That's right, who's better than me? What was the question again?

Oprah: OK, Lance. That'll just about do it. Thank you so much for you time.

Armstrong: And thank you. You know, Oprah, you should've stayed on daytime
television. Now, you're on a network that nobody knows about. It was kind of like
Dan Rather going on Mark Cuban's network. What's it called again, HDTV? Good,
grief. Talk about a  bad career move. Hey, and remember to check out my website
for more information. You can also order Livestrong merchandise from the site.

Oprah: OK, Lance, um, thank you for time and best of luck.

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