Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I AM MANTI TE'O


I am Manti Te'o. Please don't be a hater. I realize you're still upset about getting duped
by Lance Armstrong, but please, just hear me out. It was really just a big misunderstanding.

I am Manti Te'o. I know this is making me look worse than the night of the Heisman
ceremony when I had that Hawaiian forest around my neck, but it's not what you think. Just
hear me out.


I am Manti Te'o, not George O'Leary. You remember him,  He was the Notre Dame
coach for all of 48 minutes until they discovered he made up lies on his resume about
his past. Making up a story about a dead girlfriend is not as bad as that, right?

I am Manti Te'o and I know I have some 'splaining to do. I was going to pull up a seat
next to Oprah and come clean, but she's going to be out of the country next week
with Gayle King, so this is the best I can do.

I am Manti Te'o, but I really wish I was Rudy for the next couple of weeks.



I know you think I'm a liar and made up that story about my girlfriend, Lennay Kekua.
Do you know what Lennay Kekua means in Hawaiian? It means Linebacker is Koo-Koo.
I am Manti Te'o.

I went on-line to find a girlfriend, is that a sin? Everybody does it, right? I mean, have
you seen the women in South Bend? They tan with their parkas on and could play on
our scout team. I needed a girl on my arm, or at least on my Twitter account because
I am Manti Te'o.


I am Manti Te'o and I think I'm really "trending" on the Internet at this time.

I am Manti Te'o and I thought I was the best player in the country. Even though I
played for Notre Dame and NBC showed every one of our games on national television,
I just wasn't getting all the love I needed. Man, if only Brent Musburger had worked
every one of our games. I just needed a hook. I had to have something that would make
me stand out so I could win the Heisman. Girlfriend. Cancer. Death. Dominating on
Defense. That was my ticket.

I am Manti Te'o, but I wish I was Johnny Football right about now.

I am Manti Te'o and I never thought my story would go so terribly wrong. What's going
to happen with my status for the NFL draft? Is Mel Kiper, Jr. going to downgrade
me? (Love that guy's hair) I know I was invisible against Alabama and the Crimson
Tide turned me into road kill, but I had a lot on my mind. A girlfriend that didn't exist?
OMG that is nothing to LOL about.


I am Manti Te'o. Even though I never met my girlfriend that didn't exist, she said
she was having my baby. We were going to call him, Major Manti.

What if I get found out? I am Manti Te'o. What if they find all my tweets to my girlfriend
that didn't exist? Will they print them on the Internet like they did to Tiger Woods? Oh,
no. I think I better call Gloria Allred, better yet, Nancy Grace might be able to help me.

I am Manti Te'o. I think I'm up that dirty creek without a paddle.

Oh, wait a minute. I'm not Manti Te'o. I'm just a blogger who doesn't
really exist.

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