10. Lindsay Lohan gets arrested three more times, finds religion, then has Tim Tebow's
child through Immaculate Conception.
9. Rick Reilly of ESPN tweets himself to death and breaks the story first on Twitter.
8. After his epic beat down at the hands of rival Oliver Martinez, Gabriel Aubry signs
up for Karate sessions with Mr. Miyagi. Wax on, wax off. The ex of Halle Berry
gets revenge in a steel-cage death match, setting up a third fight and biggest pay-per-event
in history of Showtime.
7. Melky Cabrera fails another drug test then blames it on the bicycle Lance Armstrong
gave him for Christmas.
6. A-Rod gets hurt again, this time from kissing himself in mirror during break
from re-hab on his hip. Misses entire 2012 season.
5. Danica Patrick goes on Facebook to inform the world she's engaged to Dick Trickle.
4. Rex Ryan re-gains the 100 pounds he lost from his lap-band, guarantees
the Jets will win the next three Super Bowl, and stars in the hit foot-fetish video,
"This Little Piggy Went To The Market."
3. Hope Solo divorces and re-marries Jerramy Stephens five times, the same number
of times they are arrested for breach of peace, assault, and stupidity.
2. The owners of the Los Angeles Dodgers wake up from their ridiculous spending
spree and say, "We are paying Carl Crawford how much???!!!!!!" Um, that would
be $107 million for player whose never hit 20 home runs or driven in 100.
1. NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman grows an inch, making him a personal best,
Five feet tall.