Monday, November 26, 2012

POWERBALL FORTUNE: THINGS I'LL DO AFTER I WIN IT.


The Powerball has reached a record jackpot of $425 million. After I win it
on Wednesday, these are some of the things I'm going to do with my new fortune.


BUY GARY BETTMAN AND THE NHL A CLUE. "Seinfeld" was called the
show about nothing. The NHL has become the league that doesn't play. In the midst
of a third work stoppage since 1995,  the league has already cancelled more than 350
games, the Winter Classic, and the All-Star Game. Brilliant. I'm also going to buy out
the remaining years and money on Bettman's contract and hire Paula Broadwell as
the new commissioner. At least she can get things done.


 PURCHASE LENSES FOR JIM LAMPLEY'S FRAMES.  OK, I get the whole,
nerd, hipster, no glasses in the frames of NBA players, but a 60-something dude like
Jim Lampley has no business trying to fit in with them. The mouth of boxing for
HBO has been wearing the no-lenses in his glasses look during his recent telecasts.
It's just not a good look for him and we can't take it anymore.


GET RICK REILLY HIS OWN REALITY SHOW.  The multimedia specialist
for ESPN has become more addicted to attention that Lolo Jones, Hope Solo, and
Kim Kardashian combined. He loves Twitter more than he loves himself (If that's
possible), using it to break stories that have already been broken and agitating Notre
Dame with his disses. The new show will be called, "Me, Myself, and Rick Reilly.


PURCHASE THE WORLD'S BIGGEST TENT. That's what I'm going to need
to cover the New York Jets, the biggest three-ring circus the NFL has ever seen.
Rex, Tebow, Sanchez, Woody, and a 4-7 record have been nauseating. The team
is terrible and they're more concerned about pointing the finger at Tebow, a player
who never plays, than at themselves. Fireman Ed was so disgusted with the Jets
during their embarrassing loss to the Patriots on Thanksgiving, he left the game
at halftime and said he's retiring for good.


BUY EVERY LAST TWINKIE. Since Hostess announced it's closing shop,
there has been a lot of talk about the Twinkie. They have become a more polarizing
a figure than Tim Tebow. We loved them, we hated them, we can't do without them,
even though they are more dangerous for your body than Plaxico Burress is with
a hand gun. I'm going to buy every last one of them, put them in a casket, and
blow them up.

PAY ROBERT KRAFT'S GIRLFRIEND OFF.  The Patriots owner didn't spend
too much time mourning his late wife, suddenly appearing with a 32-year old blonde
on his arm less than a year after her death. Kraft has done little wrong during his
ownership of the Patriots, but this is just not right. Ricki Lander, an aspiring actress,
current gold-digger has already caused Kraft to do some strange things. Remember
that audition video he appeared in with her? Good, grief. We see where this is going.
I don't want Kraft to get hoodwinked out of his fortune, so I'm going to give Lander
$10 million to get on with it and say good-bye. Bob, you'll thank me some day.


PURCHASE A 10-PACK OF ANGER MANAGEMENT SESSIONS. I think
Matt Mahanic can use them right about now. He was the golf coach at some Division
III juggernaut in Montgomery, Alabama you've never heard of. Don't feel bad, nobody
in the city has heard of it, either. After his team finished last in a tournament, Mahanic
went postal, setting a record for the number of f-bombs dropped in a four-minute rant.
Good, lord. He made Mike Ditka and Bobby Knight, during their best maniac days,
look like Mr. Rogers in the Neighborhood. But this is golf! A gentleman's game. Well,
it turned out that one young gentleman was secretly recording Mahanic's rant, which
became no-so-secret after it went viral on the Internet. Hello, embarrassment,
Good-bye Mahanic.

BUY BOBBY VALENTINE A BIKE FOR EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR. 
Valentine arrived in spring training on his bike and told everybody he rode it every
day of the season, but then again, he also told everybody he invented the sandwich
wrap. Bobby V crashed his bike in a New York City park late in the season while
texting sweet nothings to Dustin Pedroia. Valentine used his bike as his getaway
vehicle after getting fired after his one season in Boston. I'm going to throw in a GPS
because it's pretty obvious Bobby V has no idea where he's going.


GIFT THE MARYLAND ATHLETIC PROGRAM. I realize the athletic program
at Maryland is bleeding money. A $17 million dollar deficit is no biggie for Obama,
but it's strangling the Terps. They had dollar signs in their eyes when they bailed on
the ACC for the Big Ten. It's always about the money. I understand. But I will give
them $17 million if they leave those ugly uniforms behind and bring back Ralph
Friedgen. Those Under Armour uniforms should never see a Big Ten game and
King Ralph, who was unceremoniously dumped after winning 2010 ACC Coach
of the Year honor, should be re-hired The athletic director said it was all part of
taking the football program from "good to great". Instead, with Randy Edsall, the
Terps have gone from good to terrible. Nice move.

GIVE VINCE YOUNG $1 MILLION. The former NFL quarterback set an
unofficial record for blowing a fortune in record time. Young made close to $30
million in his brief NFL career, but after treating half of Nashville to weekly
dinners at The Cheesecake Factory, he is now broke. It's the holiday season and
I'm in the giving mood. So, I'm going to give Young $1 million to get back on
his feet on the condition that he stays out of The Cheesecake Factory. What's
the over/under on Young blowing through a million dollars by Christmas?

PAY NDAMAKUNG SUH TO GO AWAY.  This guy is a menace to the NFL
and the rest of society. Last Thanksgiving, the defensive lineman of the Detroit Lions
stomped on the head of a Green Bay Packer on national television. He said he was
just trying to break in his new turf shoes. This Thanksgiving, he kicked Houston
QB Matt Schaub in the man region. Struck gold. Suh is out of control. He was
also clocked going 91 mph in 50mph zone in Detroit, left the scene of an accident,
and sideswiped another car in Portland. This is not going to end well for somebody.
I'll pay the big fella $20 million just to take his theatrics and go crawl under a rock.

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