Thursday, November 22, 2012

TOP 10 TURKEYS OF THE YEAR



10. CHAD OCHOCINCO.  He got released by the New England Patriots and then quickly
proved Thomas Wolfe correct: You can't go home again. Ochocinco returned to his native
Miami and signed with the Dolphins. What a disaster. His wife of about 3 minutes found a
receipt for condoms in his car which led to a heated argument with Ochocinco head-butting
his wife. He got arrested, released from the team during an episode of "Hard Knocks", lost
his reality show, and served divorce papers. That's a rough week. Ochocinco then had a
picture of his ex-wife tattooed on his calf and proclaimed he'd get her back and another job
in the NFL. He's heard crickets, nothing but crickets.


9. DANICA PATRICK.  Some people will do anything to stay relevant. Danica
Patrick is one of them. The most overrated, overhyped "athlete"of this generation
has just one victory in her entire career. With the Super Bowl just over two months
away and all those GoDaddy.com commercials still in production, Patrick felt she
just had to make some news. A day before Thanksgiving, she went on Facebook
to tell the world she was divorcing her husband of seven years. What a class act.
Just make sure to "friend" her.


8. HOPE SOLO. I can go into how see wrote in her "memoir" that everybody
but Tim Tebow either kicked, punched, or slapped her.  The goalie for the gold-medal
winning U.S. soccer team married her boyfriend of two months, Jerramy Stevens,
the night after he was arrested for allegedly assaulting her. Over/under on this marriage
is 35 days.

7. ALEX RODRIQUEZ. The guy is a pure lightening rod. After the highest-paid player
in the game was pinch-hit for during a playoff game, A-Rod went on the prowl. He sent
a ball boy into the stands to get the phone number of two girls. The one he had the radar-lock
on, turned out to be an Australian model. He did all this while his current girlfriend was up in a
luxury suite watching her man endure another 0-for-4 night at the plate.


 6. BOBBY VALENTINE. The inventor of the sandwich wrap created one big mess
in Boston. The Red Sox manager proved to be a one-man reality show gone bad.
Valentine called out fan favorite Kevin Youkilis which he never recovered from. The
players disliked him so much, they texted the owners requesting a meeting to discuss
the disposal of Valentine. Valentine did some texting of his own, trading messages
with Dustin Pedroia while on his beloved bicycle, which resulted in him crashing
in a New York City park.


5. NEW YORK JETS. There isn't a tent big enough to cover this three-ring circus.
Rex Ryan, Tim Tebow, Woody Johnson....good grief. The Jets are the REAL Housewives
of New York/New Jersey. More drama than the Kardashians. At least Ryan didn't
guarantee the Jets were going to win the Super Bowl for the fourth straight year or
release any foot fetish videos.


4. MATT MAHANIC. Nobody knew of the golf coach from a tiny Huntingdon College
in Montgomery, Alabama until a few weeks ago. After he went on profanity-laced tirade
that made Bobby Knight and Mike Ditka look like sheep, Mahanic became an Internet
sensation. On of his players secretly recorded the f-bomb dominated rant by Mahanic
after the team finished last in a tournament. He then posted on-line it for everyone to hear.
Man, it was something. Manhanic was promptly fired by the school and is reportedly
taking anger management classes while working part-time at The Waffle House.

3. MELKY CABRERA. Last summer, Cabrera was leading the National League in
hitting and won the MVP of the All-Star game MVP as a member of the San Francisco
Giants. He had some help with both. The "Melk Man" became the juiced man after
testing positive for testosterone. He was suspended for 50-games and the Giants rinsed
their hands of him, going on to win the World Series without him. Cabrera signed with
the Toronto Blue Jays last week.


2. ROGER GOODELL. The NFL commissioner turned the league into a circus by
using replacement referees while the regular ones were locked out. What an unmitigated
disaster. You can't fault the replacement refs, they were put in a situation where they were
put in way, way, way over the heads. But you can fault Goodell for letting this embarrassing
situation happen.

1. NHL. The No Hockey League. In the midst of a third work stoppage in the last 17 years,
the NHL is damaging the game which may be hard to repair. More than 350 games have
already been cancelled and the crown jewel, the Winter Classic, has been cancelled. Way
to go, Gary Bettman! Of all the sports leagues, the NHL by far, has no clue what the heck
it's doing.

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