Friday, June 15, 2012


Is it me or does it seem like God just talks to athletes these days? Last December, He
talked to Albert Pujols and told the All-Star first baseman to take the money and be an
Angel. In March, God spoke to Manny Ramirez and steered him towards the Oakland
A's, "I'm here because God brought me here," said Ramirez. "When God says they're
going to open  the door for you, no matter what anyone says, the door is going to open. 
That's why I'm here." 

Nope, it wasn't because no other team would touch Manny with all his fertility drugs
with a 10-foot pole, it was because God told him that Billy Beane was opening the big
door in Oakland so he and his dreadlocks could walk through it.

I used to talk to God a lot, but all I heard was crickets, nothing but crickets. He never told
me to take the money or tell me I was better off following the Dali Lama. Nothing. Maybe
he's just too busy following athletes on Twitter or just giving them advice. On Thursday,
former USC defensive back Kevin Ellison torched his bed with a big, fat marijuana "cigar" 
(that's how it was described in various media reports) and turned his apartment into the 
towering inferno. 

When asked by authorities upon his arrest for arson why he did it, Ellison said, "God told
me to." Ellison also texted his friends that night saying that he was Jesus and the second 
coming. That must've been after he started puffing on those big Mary Jane's but before 
he torched the bed.

We've heard a lot of crazy things coming out of the mouths of athletes, but this one has
to take the cake. God told Ellison to play burning down the house? This guy is obviously 
on his way to be fitted for a straight-jacket.

Athletes today seem to be using God as some kind of crutch or excuse. For Ellison, it
was about divine intervention telling him to be a fire starter. Fans were getting on Pujols
because he threw loyalty to the wind and sold out for more money. Pujols didn't blame
it on greed, but rather God. In last year's World Series, Josh Hamilton told reporters he
had a conversation with God before hitting a home run. "He said, 'You haven't hit one in
a while and this is the time you're going to," Hamilton recalled. Before his controversial loss
to Timothy Bradley, Manny Pacquio said that God told him to retire in a dream.

How come God never talks to me? I want to retire, I want to hit home runs, and I want
to sign a $300 million contract, too. Hello? G-Man? Can you hear me? Are you hitting the
'like' on Tim Tebow's Facebook page or something? Wake up!

Seriously, God has been a part of my life for a long time. I used to ask him for certain
things like a lot of people, sometimes I received, other times I got the Heisman Trophy
stiff arm. Seriously though, conversations between athletes and The Man should be kept
private, and surely, you can't be blaming him for burning down your apartment.

No comments:

Post a Comment