NO RE-LEAF FROM HIS ADDICTION
Ryan Leaf, the second pick in the 1998 NFL draft behind Peyton Manning and widely known
as the biggest bust in the history of the league, was busted last week for burglary and
drug possession. Leaf, the former San Diego Charger, allegedly stole painkillers from a friend. It
was the second time in less than four years that Leaf was arrested for thievery. In a statement after
his arrest Leaf explained himself.
What Ryan Leaf said:
"I've made some mistakes, and have no excuses," the statement read. "I am using the tools I've learned to move forward rather than backwards.
What Ryan Leaf was thinking:
"My life is a train wreck. Things have gotten so bad that Lindsay Lohan called and offered me advice. On the bright side, I have qualified to be a contestant on "Celebrity Rehab" and "The Apprentice". My agent is pitching a show to AMC called, "Re-Leaf from Drug Addiction." Hopefully, it can run before "Mad Men"next season."
MAKING A RUN FOR THE BORDER
Erving Walker, basketball player at the University of Florida, was arrested on Friday for stealing a
$3 taco from a street vendor and trying to run for the border. After being apprehended by police
officials, Walker explained the situation:
What Erving Walker said:
"I was just playing around."
What Erving Walker was thinking:
"I had a serious case of the munchies but had no cash. After losing to Louisville in the
Elite 8, the Florida boosters cut off the gravy train. I won't get paid again until the summer
when the boosters hire me to turn on the automatic sprinkler system at the football stadium
for $1000 a week. By the way, I offered the vendor my swag from the NCAA tournament,
but he wanted a Gator jersey signed by Tebow. Hate Tebow. He's messing things for the
rest of us."
I HOPE A CHAMPIONSHIP IS NOT WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR
After losing to hated in-state rival and the program where he once coached, Louisville coach Rick
Pitino was gracious in defeat to the Kentucky Wildcats.
What Rick Pitino said:
"I'll certainly be rooting for them hard to bring the trophy back to Kentucky.They're a great group of guys, doing a tremendous job."
What Rick Pitino was thinking:
"I can't stand John Calipari and I'd rather have that woman (Karen Cypher) stalk and try
to extort me again, than seeing that snake oil salesman win a national title with the program
I, and I alone, rebuilt.
KARDASH FOR CASH
In an interview with Access Hollywood or one of those other entertainments shows, Kim Kardashian
was asked by the reporter: "What's the most difficult thing about being a Kardashain?"
What Kim Kardashian said:
"I think the most difficult thing is being misinterpreted about a lot of things."
What Kim Kardashian was thinking:
"That's one of the dumbest questions I've ever heard. I've made millions being a Kardashian
and having no talent other than, well, you know what I'm talking about. Is this a great country
WHO WE KIDDING? I OWE THIS JOB TO MYSELF
Bill Parcells and his fan club dropped rumors that he was being considered to replace Sean Payton, as
the Saints head coach sits out a season after being suspended for his role in the bounty scandal. Payton is
a loyalist and former assistant to Parcells in Dallas.
What Bill Parcells said:
"I owe it to the Saints to consider coaching the team for a year. I owe it to all the great
coaches like Chuck Knoll who helped out young assistants in their pursuit of head coaching jobs."
What Parcells was thinking:
"I owe it to myself to get off the couch and quit eating donuts. I owe it to myself to have
a ready-made Super Bowl contender after I resurrected the Giants and Jets from the dead.
Who else are the Saints going to get, Rich Kotite?
ON REVIS ISLAND
DarrelleRevis, Jets All-Pro cornerback, was asked by ESPN in a word association game what he thought
of Bill Belichick.
What Darrelle Revis said:
"He's a jerk."
What Darrelle Revis was thinking:
"He a jerk, but the dude can seal the deal for a guy who has the personality of a gray hoodie."