Monday, April 23, 2012


5. LARRY LUCCHINO. Outside of Bobby Valentine, he's the smartest man in baseball, just
ask him. The team's president and resident hot-head helped push Theo Epstein out the door
so he could pull all the strings in the Red Sox kingdom. He sets the ticket prices, the rate cards
for NESN, and decides whether or not the concession stands use Grey Poupon or Gulden's
mustard for the hot dogs. (He chose Grey Poupon). Now, as the manager of the Red Sox, he gets
to make out the line-up card and take Jarrod Saltalamacchia out to dinner in the North End to
enjoy some great Italian food now that Bobby V is gone. Lucchino thinks of himself as a cross
between Tommy LaSorda and Tony LaRussa.

4. SARAH PALIN. It'll be a challenge to keep her from going rogue, but at least we
 know that if  Luchino rears his ugly head in her air space, she's capable of pulling out
 her Moose gun and shoot him down. We know she looks good in red and she can just
 use Terry Francona's old  glasses to help see herself in the mirror. Who cares if Palin
 doesn't know anything about Paul Revere's ride and the Revolution (Remember what
 she said about Revere?)

 "He warned the British that they weren't going be taking away our arms, by ringing those
  bells, and  making sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots
  and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free, and we were going
  to be  armed."  Yep, Revere was "ringing those bells", not exactly. I could foresee Palin
  having a problem or two with Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessey.

3. PETER GAMMONS. A perfect man to be the Red Sox interim manager. While everyone
in New England dislikes Bobby Valentine, everybody in the region LOVES Gammons. He is a
baseball historian, a true Red Sox fan and he knows everything about the game. Can't you just
see him on the NESN post-game show talking about Dustin Pedroia and his base stealing ability?
"He runs a lot like Pumpsie Green did back in the mid-1950's, but Petey has the savvy of Jerry
Remy and the speed of the Rooster, Rick Burleson." This would be a popular choice among
Red Sox nation.

2. STEPHEN KING. King is a native New Englander and a Red Sox fan through and through.
The guy hasn't missed a game in 30 years. Check that. He took an extended period of time to
write "CuJo" or was it "The Shining"? I forget. King has been working on the Red Sox horror
show this season, so it might take some big money to pry him away from what should be another
best-selling thriller. Can't you just picture Larry Lucchino busting through the door with an
ax and instead of saying, "Here's Johnny", he screams, "Where's Bobby?". Foreward by Linda
Pizzuti, trophy wife of Red Sox owner, John Henry.

1. BILL BELICHICK. This would be the biggest coup for the Red Sox since they snatched
Edgar Renteria away from the St. Louis Cardinals during free-agency and landed Matt Clement.
Belichick would be the perfect tonic for what ails the Red Sox. He's smarter than baseball
number-cruncher Bill James and he'd command serious respect from the players. Belichick
would be allowed to wear his hoodie on the bench, but he might have some problems wearing
a baseball hat. Has anybody ever seen BB in a baseball hat? I've seen the visor on his dome,
but he might have some trouble with the hat. He'd also get a restraining order for Lucchino
so it's all good.

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