Friday, April 27, 2012
ROGER GOODELL: NFL'S NEW HUGGY BEAR
What was up with Roger Goodell and all those hugs on Thursday night at the NFL draft? The
commissioner was wrapping his arms around the league's newest millionaires like they were
one of his kids coming home after spending the last 10 years in Afghanistan. It started to get
a little uncomfortable, actually. Seriously, commish, if there was a policy for violating the
three-second rule, you'd be sitting out next season with Sean Payton of the Saints.
I haven't seen hugging like that since Tommy LaSorda, the hall of fame manager of the Dodgers
used to squeeze the stuffing out of his players when they came back to the dugout after hitting
a home run. I thought Goodell was super agent Drew Rosenhaus in disguise, giving man-love to
the next client he was about to rape of his money.
Goodell got so caught up in the moment early on and was giving such long-lasting hugs, I
thin he caught himself saying, "Man, I have to hug, like 27 more guys. If I don't give them equal
time, some lame ass guys in the media like Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless are going to
be all over me. Crap."
I started thinking that Goodell, who turned into judge and jury when it came to the NFL's
conduct policy was whispering reminders to the game newest stars. I thought I heard the
ESPN mic's picking up the following mandates handed out by Goodell:
To RG3: "Dude, cut the dreadlocks and stay away from the bad sections of D.C."
To Trent Richardson: "Cleveland is not Alabama. They actually have people there who
can put a complete sentence together and sometimes brush their teeth. Watch out for the
guys who want you to invest in the Rubix Cube"
To Bruce Irvin, who has been in more trouble than Lindsay Lohan: "I'm going to be watching
you. My office is just around the corner. If you start acting up again, I'll make sure you know
how to find it."
To Morris Claibourne, first pick of the Dallas Cowboys who scored a 6 on his Wonderlic test:
"Stay away from Michael Irvin, Deion Sanders, and Nate Newton down there. They are trouble.
And there's only one b in trouble."
Goodell even did some kind of weird handshake with Mel Ingram who was drafted by the
San Diego Chargers. They slapped their hands about six times before engaging in the Goodell
Hug-for-life. Ingram admitted that he and the commissioner practiced it two times before doing
it for real.
That was a bad night for Roger Goodell. Good thing he won't be around for the next
phase of the draft. But one has to wonder what's next for the commissioner. Perhaps, he
might see Tim Tebow on Madison Avenue and start "Tebowing"