Friday, March 30, 2012

TOP 10 THINGS I'LL DO WITH $500 MILLION LOTTERY


10. GET A SIX-PACK. I will undergo the world's first abdominal transplant. Liposuck will
rinse the excess fat away and I'll get abs of steel like Floyd Merriweather or "The Situation".
Beach season is just around the corner, so I have to do it fast. If Bill Parcells is interested,
I'll pay for his, too. But he may need an entire torso transplant.


9. KILL BILL'S WARDROBE. OK, Belichick's hoodie was cool for awhile but so was
the slinky, pop rocks, and the Rubix cube. The Patriots head coach needs a new wardrobe
and I'll buy it. Liven it up with some festive colors by Vineyard Vines or even Garanimals.


8. SILENCE THE SCREAMERS. Pay ESPN whatever it takes to get Stephen A. Smith
and Skip Bayless off the air. The screamer and the shouter, gone. Don't kid yourselves, you
were thinking the the same thing.


7. THROW A BASH FOR THE BUSTED. I'm going to invite Dennis Rodman, Antonie
Walker, Terrell Owens, and  Allen Iverson, who collectively, blew $500 million to my
mansion, spread all my money out on the ground and say, "Boys, this is what you lost."

6. PURCHASE TRASH, THEN BURN IT. I will buy out all of the books written by John
Rocker, Ryan Leaf, Hank Haney and all the Kardashians and then burn them in the a huge
bonfire on the beaches of Hawaii, with Kate Upton at my side, of course.


5. SPEAKING OF TRASH....I'll also go to every network and make a deal to ban all
reality shows, from "Jersey Shore" to "Housewives From Everywhere". The world has
enough pollution without those mindless television shows.


4. GO ON SPORTING EVENTS TOUR. With nine of my best friends, including my
favorite photographers from NESN, I'm going to plan the  biggest sports party tour in the
world. No fur buses, though. Super Bowl, Final Four, Masters, Kentucky  Derby, U.S Open
(Tennis), Ohio State-Michigan, World Series, Tostitos National Championship. Private jet,
Madden Cruiser, and Tiger's old yacht, "Privacy". It's all good.

3. BE TOM BRADY FOR A DAY. Bribe the Patriots quarterback to have his life for
a day, all the benefits included. :)


2. PURCHASE A TENT....and then put it over the New York Jets 3-three ring circus.


1. GIVE THE REST OF IT AWAY. After I complete 10-2, I'm going to give the rest of it
to homeless shelters around the country and children's hospitals everywhere.


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