Wednesday, February 22, 2012


Claire Simmons, a 33-year old London woman has been in a serious relationship with pizza for most of her life. For all but two of her year on the planet,  pizza is the only thing she has eaten. Just pizza. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner, Simmons has wolfed down every big pie in the sky and what's been served on her plate. Herm Cain has been off for awhile, but the Godfather of pizza may be calling London to get Simmons to endorse his pies. And of course, Cain is fond of Simmons because she is an "eater and not a reader."
Doctors say that Simmons suffers from a mental illness known as Selective Eating Disorder. That's funny, I think I have that same illness, except in my case, I select everything on the  menu and eat the hell out of it. Shrimp cocktail, French onion soup, a big fat steak, and chocolate satin pie is usually a good start for me.

But Simmons' obsession got me wondering. What if ate nothing but pizza for 31 years? What would I look like? Perhaps, a cross between John Candy and Chris Farley. I might've gone to the grave as quickly as those funny guys did. Would the chicks still dig me if I was over 300 pounds? Or would they just desire me for the number of zeroes in my bank account?
Simmons' doctors say that her diet has put her life in jeopardy, which is kind of like writing a racist headline on the most well-known sports website in the world. You're done. Finished. And picking out a casket. It's essentially suicide. But man, to eat pizza every day for 31 years? Can it get any better than that? Pizza could be one of man's greatest discoveries. I don't want to use the word, "invent". Nobody "invents" pizza. That term is reserved for the light bulb, wheel, and Al Gore's information superhighway.

Domino's, Papa John's, Godfather, there really any truly bad pizza out there? I couldn't sleep last night and I had not one, but two Celeste pizzas. It really hit the spot. The endorphins in my system were released and that made it even more impossible to sleep, so I have four Bud's in about seven minutes to kill the adrenaline. But you know what? I just may do it again tonight because the pizza was that good.

No comments:

Post a Comment