Tuesday, January 3, 2012
TOP 10 PREDICTIONS FOR 2012
10. Red Sox players revolt against Bobby Valentine in spring
training. They duct tape his mouth shut and throw him in
a trash can. Team president Larry Lucchino pleads with team
to give him another shot. Josh Beckett says, "OK" and punches
Bobby V in the gut. Red Sox win 98 games and World Series
with Valentine in the dugout.
9. Tim Tebow signs endorsement deal with God, Fellowship of
Christian Athletes, and ChristianSingles.com where he meets
and gets engaged to Olympic skier Lindsay Vonn.
8. During the final round of the Masters, Tiger Woods and Adam
Scott wage epic battle on the back nine. On the last hole,
Woods has 4-foot putt to win the green jacket. Stevie Williams,
Tiger's former caddie, now on Scott's bag, can be seen and
heard whispering, "Noonan....Nooooooon-an". Tiger makes
putt then pile-drives Williams into green, making biggest
divot in the history of the Masters.
7. After beating LSU in the national championship game,
Alabama coach Nick Saban is courted by Rams, Bucs,
Jags, and Colts for their openings. In a 2-hour, made for
TV spectacle on ESPN called, "The Decision II", Saban
places four hats, one for each NFL team made him an
offer, in front of him. Saban then places the hat of the Colts
on his head and says he's looking forward to working
with Andrew Luck. Three days after his decision, Saban
has second thoughts and turns his back on the Colts.
Alabama welcomes Saban back and gives him another
statute, this one placed at the entrance of the school.
Colts name Peyton Manning head coach.
6. Manny Ramirez, two days after being reinstated by MLB,
fails a drug test for Ritalin, marijuana, and steroids. Ramirez
says he had dinner with David Ortiz the night before the
test and claims that Big Papi tainted his meat.
5. Rex Ryan, following in the footsteps of Charles Barkley,
signs on with Weight Watchers. The Jets head coach makes
a prediction that by training camp, he'll lose more weight
than Barkley and Jennifer Hudson combined. Ryan comes
up short, losing a total of nine pounds.
4. Kris Jenner divorces Bruce and marries former son-in-law,
Kris Humphries. Humphries, averaging a double-double at
the time, quits during the middle of the season, saying he
wants to spend more time with Kim Kardashian's mom.
Kim gets extremely jealous and rips mother in tabloids.
Ryan Seacrest, who produced the Kardashian wedding,
promotes a steel-cage death match between Kim and her
mom on pay-per-view. The match beats the Merriweather-
Ortiz record for buys and Kardashian and her mom take
home $25 million each. The fight is claimed a draw, setting
up a rematch.
3. Chad Ochocinco tweets to his more than 3 million followers
that he will be the Super Bowl MVP before the playoffs
start. Patriots coach Bill Belichick doesn't dress Ochocinco
for the teams first two playoff games. But during the Patriots
run to the Super Bowl, the team loses Wes Welker and
Aaron Hernandez to injuries. The Hoodie has no choice but
to activate Ochocinco. Ochocinco catches eight passes for
158 yards and takes MVP honors as the Patriots beat the
Saints on Super Sunday. Ochocinco tweets after the game,
"It was all part of the plan. Belichick is a genius. Meet me
at Disney World tomorrow. I'm grand marshal of parade."
2. Erin Andrews of ESPN claims that Lee Corso tweeted
her a picture of himself with an Oregon Duck mascot
head on and nothing else. ESPN fires Andrews
1. Albert Pujols wins Triple Crown, MVP, World Series,
and Roberto Clemente award but claims God said that
his work is done with the Angels and wants to be traded
to the Pirates.