Saturday, December 31, 2011

WEIGHT WATCHERS. I'M FAT. PAY ME TO LOSE THE CHUB


Is it me or are a lot of celebrities getting paid to lose their chub? If I
had a dollar for every time I've seen a commercial of Jennifer Hudson,
the incredible shrinking woman, I wouldn't have to use  food stamps
to pay for my extra value meals at McDonald's. Hudson was on
her way to becoming Re-Run's sister, but with the help of Weight
Watchers, she is sleek, sexy, and half of her former self.


Charles Barkley, the round mound of rebound, has gotten into
the fat-burning act, signing a deal with Weight Watchers, too. Terry
Bradshaw, the hall of fame quarterback and Fox analyst hooked
up with Nutrisytem, joining their stable that includes Dan Marino
and Don Shula. Lawrence Taylor was part of the losing weight
line-up, but he lost his endorsement deal after he "didn't card" that
prostitute he paid for and she turned out to be younger than Justin
Bieber.


Getting paid to lose weight. Now, that's a great gig. And if you're
Barkley or Bradshaw, you can count on Nutrisystem or Weight
Watchers to put you in a black outfit (slimming effect), shoot you
from the right angles and with the proper lighting (eliminates at least
one chin) or use the trusted photoshop to give the appearance
that you're meeting your goals, albeit months behind schedule.

I got fat again and I want to get paid to lose weight. Show the
dough-boy the money! Help me, help myself. I can be the everyman
for Nutrisystem or Weight Watchers. I'm more like Marino than
Barkley. I need to drop 30 pounds. Oh, I know you've heard this
before. I documented my fitness program last summer as I went
from the Fat Guy to Toughman, reaching my goal of losing 20 pounds


and completing a half-ironman. But I gained it all back. I was like
Oprah after she slimmed down to get in her old jeans that she wore
when she was 25-years old. As soon as I crossed the finish line,
I busted out and gained a quick 10 over the next month. That Mister
Softee ice cream cone on my way home from the half-ironman sent
me on my way to becoming Mr. Pudge once again.

I know what many of you are saying, "You're not fat, I saw you're
Christmas pictures." Well, yes. The lighting was good, the position
of the camera was above my eyes, eliminating one of my chins, and
the picture was cropped nicely, so you couldn't see my chub. Plus,
the XXXL sweater did a nice job of hiding my "problem" areas.


However, that's not an accurate portrayal of my physique on December 31,
2011. It resembles more like the picture below. I'm 240 pounds, but I think
I wear it well, don't you think? (Note: This was before I got a full body wax)


On January 1, 2012, I will begin the road to a better body. It's out
with the pizza, doughnuts, Ben & Jerry's, butter, bread, and
candy. The sad thing, I don't even drink. I put the weight back on the
good old-fashioned way, I ate everything that wasn't nailed down.
Man, I love to eat. My friends no longer take their leftover food to
the homeless shelter, they kill two birds with one stone now. They
invite me over to graze and don't waste the time, energy, or gas
money by going to the shelter.

Tomorrow is a new day, a New Year, and the first day to a better body.
Weight Watchers, can you hear me? Nutrisystem, hello? McFly? Sign
me up. I'm ready to go. 30 pounds by July 4th. I can do it, I know I
can. I would just like to get paid for it this time.

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