Saturday, December 3, 2011

BOBBY VALENTINE'S 'FIRST ORDER' OF BUSINESS IN BOSTON.

In Heidi Watney's last appearance before she heads off to Los
Angeles to cover the Lakers, the NESN goddess asked Bobby
Valentine what his "first order of business" as Red Sox manager.
would be. Valentine seemed a little surprised by the hard-hitting
question but you know he has some serious plans to take over Boston
just as he did in Japan where he is still considered a God after
managing for 6 years there. Here is the "first order of business"
for Bobby V.
"THE ZEN OF BOBBY V"


      SEND CHRISTMAS PRESENTS TO BOSTON PLAYERS,
      MEDIA, AND FANS.  In 1998, a production company made
      the documentary, "The Zen of Bobby V" which was broadcast
      on ESPN. The company followed Bobby V for an entire season
      in Japan where he was managing. Valentine is bigger than
      Godzilla over there. Bobby V sends 1 million DVD's to everyone
      in the Red Sox organization, media, and fans as stocking stuffers. He
      personally signs one to Josh Beckett, "This DVD will be over much
      quicker than one of your outings."

     CONTACTS NESN KINGPIN SEAN MCGRAIL. Valentine
     pitches the leader of NESN, the flagship network of the Red Sox,
     about producing and starring in, "Me, Myself, and Bobby V." It's
     a show about everything Valentine. He will teach viewers how to
     make sandwich wraps, which he "invented" years ago while working
     in the kitchen of Bobby Valentine Sports Cafe in Stamford, CT.

     
      In addition, Valentine will have a segment where he teaches Japanese.
     "Japanese made easy--- even for the folks in Woosta." His first
      session will emphasize the phrase, それはばかな質問です, 
     which in English means, "That is a dumb question." 
     So when Valentine is being interviewed by the new 
     blond-headed reporter and hears a question he just 
     quite doesn't understand, he can look into the camera 
     and everyone at home can say, それはばかな質問です. 
     Valentine guarantees McGrail the show will produce 
     better ratings than former blockbuster shows on 
     NESN, "Comedy All-Stars", "Sox Appeal", and
     anything related to "Dirty Water TV"---combined.


    ACCEPTS INVITATION TO BE ON "DANCING WITH 
    STARS" Valentine was a world-class ballroom dancing 
    dating back to his days at Rippowam High School in 
    Stamford, CT. You talk about busting a move? Bobby 
    V was Danny Terrio before Danny Terrio.

   There have been rumors that Valentine invented the 
   Tango and the Cha-Cha-Cha, whatever the hell that is. 
   Bobby V is light as a feather on his feet and has moves 
   that Chaz Bono can only dream of.



  Valentine would blow the competition away. Everyone 
   would be dancing for second place. Bobby V could 
   challenge the all-time record for most perfect 10's in 
   the history of the show. Valentine says that he will only 
   appear if new Red Sox reporter, Julianne Hough, returns 
   to the show to be his partner. Producers of the show 
   make special concession for Bobby V to ensure his
   appearance on the show.


    INVITES EVERY TELEVISION STATION IN JAPAN 
    TO COVER HIM. This could get interesting. Bobby 
    Valentine is bigger than Hideki Matsui in Japan and 
    you remember the media throng that followed him 
    around in New York, don't you? Without seeking 
    permission from Red Sox media relations department, 
    Valentine grants every television station in Japan
    24-hour access to cover him for the entire season. 


    The Red Sox clubhouse and facilities are the smallest
    in major league baseball and can make for really tight 
    space during a regular season game.. When Nomar 
    Garciaparra was with the  Red Sox, he had the Red Sox 
    make a line  in the carpet of the clubhouse that the 
    media couldn't cross. The extra 200 media members 
    could make for some explosive situations. I can just see 
    Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy pulling a 
    hissy fit when a Japanese reporter gets his microphone 
    caught in his big, curly, head of hair.


    TRIES TO MAKE PEACE WITH RED SOX 
    BROADCASTER DENNIS ECKERSLEY. When the 
    Hall of Fame reliever was pitching for Oakland
    Valentine was with the Texas Rangers, Bobby V accused 
    the Eck of scuffing the baseball and rounded up a 
    dozen to give to the umpire. A's manager Tony 
    LaRussa was furious, stating, "That's typical Bobby Valentine
    bullspit." Eckersley, who is the best baseball analyst in 
    the game, might not be up for the request to break 
    bread with Bobby V.


     CONVINCES NESN/RED SOX SPONSOR W.B. MASON 
     TO CHANGE NAME TO W. "V". MASON. Valentine 
     persuades supply company that Bobby V is a world-wide 
     brand and can increase sales from the Tobin Bridge to 
     Tokyo. He also wants to replace the mustached-W.B.
     Mason man with his picture from his days with the 
     Mets when he wore a 'stache in the dugouts
     as a disguise after getting ejected from a game.


    CURES BOSTON MAYOR'S SPEECH IMPEDIMENT. 
    Valentine, whose grandfather Rocco, cured the speech 
    impediment of Former NFL great Lester Hayes, comes 
    to the aid of longtime Mayor Thomas "Mumbles"
    Menino. Valentine, with the help of his favorite Japanese 
    therapist, guarantees to give Menino a happy ending in 
    one, 60-minute session. No stumbles, no slip-ups, and 
    a language that everyone in the Commonwealth can 
    finally understand.  

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