Angeles to cover the Lakers, the NESN goddess asked Bobby
Valentine what his "first order of business" as Red Sox manager.
would be. Valentine seemed a little surprised by the hard-hitting
question but you know he has some serious plans to take over Boston
just as he did in Japan where he is still considered a God after
managing for 6 years there. Here is the "first order of business"
for Bobby V.
"THE ZEN OF BOBBY V"
SEND CHRISTMAS PRESENTS TO BOSTON PLAYERS,
MEDIA, AND FANS. In 1998, a production company made
the documentary, "The Zen of Bobby V" which was broadcast
on ESPN. The company followed Bobby V for an entire season
in Japan where he was managing. Valentine is bigger than
Godzilla over there. Bobby V sends 1 million DVD's to everyone
in the Red Sox organization, media, and fans as stocking stuffers. He
personally signs one to Josh Beckett, "This DVD will be over much
quicker than one of your outings."
CONTACTS NESN KINGPIN SEAN MCGRAIL. Valentine
pitches the leader of NESN, the flagship network of the Red Sox,
about producing and starring in, "Me, Myself, and Bobby V." It's
a show about everything Valentine. He will teach viewers how to
make sandwich wraps, which he "invented" years ago while working
in the kitchen of Bobby Valentine Sports Cafe in Stamford, CT.
In addition, Valentine will have a segment where he teaches Japanese.
"Japanese made easy--- even for the folks in Woosta." His first
session will emphasize the phrase, それはばかな質問です,
which in English means, "That is a dumb question."
So when Valentine is being interviewed by the new
blond-headed reporter and hears a question he just
quite doesn't understand, he can look into the camera
and everyone at home can say, それはばかな質問です.
Valentine guarantees McGrail the show will produce
better ratings than former blockbuster shows on
NESN, "Comedy All-Stars", "Sox Appeal", and
anything related to "Dirty Water TV"---combined.
ACCEPTS INVITATION TO BE ON "DANCING WITH
STARS" Valentine was a world-class ballroom dancing
dating back to his days at Rippowam High School in
Stamford, CT. You talk about busting a move? Bobby
V was Danny Terrio before Danny Terrio.
There have been rumors that Valentine invented the
Tango and the Cha-Cha-Cha, whatever the hell that is.
Bobby V is light as a feather on his feet and has moves
that Chaz Bono can only dream of.
Valentine would blow the competition away. Everyone
would be dancing for second place. Bobby V could
challenge the all-time record for most perfect 10's in
the history of the show. Valentine says that he will only
appear if new Red Sox reporter, Julianne Hough, returns
to the show to be his partner. Producers of the show
make special concession for Bobby V to ensure his
appearance on the show.
INVITES EVERY TELEVISION STATION IN JAPAN
TO COVER HIM. This could get interesting. Bobby
Valentine is bigger than Hideki Matsui in Japan and
you remember the media throng that followed him
around in New York, don't you? Without seeking
permission from Red Sox media relations department,
Valentine grants every television station in Japan
24-hour access to cover him for the entire season.
The Red Sox clubhouse and facilities are the smallest
in major league baseball and can make for really tight
space during a regular season game.. When Nomar
Garciaparra was with the Red Sox, he had the Red Sox
make a line in the carpet of the clubhouse that the
media couldn't cross. The extra 200 media members
could make for some explosive situations. I can just see
Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy pulling a
hissy fit when a Japanese reporter gets his microphone
caught in his big, curly, head of hair.
TRIES TO MAKE PEACE WITH RED SOX
BROADCASTER DENNIS ECKERSLEY. When the
Hall of Fame reliever was pitching for Oakland
Valentine was with the Texas Rangers, Bobby V accused
the Eck of scuffing the baseball and rounded up a
dozen to give to the umpire. A's manager Tony
LaRussa was furious, stating, "That's typical Bobby Valentine
bullspit." Eckersley, who is the best baseball analyst in
the game, might not be up for the request to break
bread with Bobby V.
CONVINCES NESN/RED SOX SPONSOR W.B. MASON
TO CHANGE NAME TO W. "V". MASON. Valentine
persuades supply company that Bobby V is a world-wide
brand and can increase sales from the Tobin Bridge to
Tokyo. He also wants to replace the mustached-W.B.
Mason man with his picture from his days with the
Mets when he wore a 'stache in the dugouts
as a disguise after getting ejected from a game.
CURES BOSTON MAYOR'S SPEECH IMPEDIMENT.
Valentine, whose grandfather Rocco, cured the speech
impediment of Former NFL great Lester Hayes, comes
to the aid of longtime Mayor Thomas "Mumbles"
Menino. Valentine, with the help of his favorite Japanese
therapist, guarantees to give Menino a happy ending in
one, 60-minute session. No stumbles, no slip-ups, and
a language that everyone in the Commonwealth can