Friday, October 21, 2011

OCCUPY THIS! TOP 5 PLACES TO BE 'OCCUPIED'

5. OCCUPY ESPN. Watching Stuart Scott (Boo-yeah!) is
      bad enough, but to have our night of sports television
      interrupted by Stephen A. Smith is unbearable. They fired
      him once and then, inexplicably, brought him back. Why?
      What does he do besides scream at us (thus, the nickname
      Screamin' A. Smith). That interview he did with Terrell
      Owens was some of the worst piece of broadcasting since
      Sandra Golden used to ruin the programming at Fox Sports
      South in Atlanta. By they way, how is that Terrell Owens
      return to the NFL going?


4. OCCUPY MIAMI. Fans in Miami should really be up in
    arms over the performance of its "professional" football team.
    There is nothing professional about the Dolphins. They are
    poorly-coached, put in a poor effort, and poorly constructed.
    Remember owner Stephen Ross' prediction that Chad Henne
    would be better than Dan Marino? God, that's just further
    proof that the smartest people in the room often say the
    dumbest things. (See also Boston Red Sox ownership group.
    John Henry: "I never wanted Carl Crawford." Then why
    the hell did you give him a check for $142 million? The
    fans in South Beach should also protest anything that comes
    out of the mouth of LeBron James. No explanation needed.


3. OCCUPY REX RYAN'S SURGEON. The XXXXL coach
    of the NY Jets must be the only person on the planet who
    actually gained weight after having his stomach stapled. I mean,
    even Charlie Weis lost 2 pounds (after nearly losing his life)
    from the lap-band procedure. Ryan's surgeon is also having
    trouble extracting the foot from XXXXL's mouth. On Wednesday,
    Ryan said if he had been picked as head coach of the San
    Diego Chargers instead of Norv Turner, the franchise
    would've won a couple of Super Bowls. Ryan and the Jets
    play Turner and the Chargers on Sunday. By the way, despite
    guaranteeing Super Bowl victories in his first two seasons,
    Ryan has yet to win it.


2. OCCUPY TIGER WOODS' BRAIN. Wouldn't you just
    love to know what's going on inside the cranium of good ole
    Eldrick? What the hell were you thinking? Fans would want
    to occupy it just to protest the pure stupidity of dismantling
    the legacy of a man who had everything: money, power, fame,
    an off-the-charts gorgeous wife, and two beautiful kids. And
    for what? A couple of dozen sleezy pin-ups, porn stars, a
    neighbor's 19-year old daughter, and a waitress from Perkins?
    That deserves one big WOW!

1. OCCUPY UNDER ARMOUR. After viewing the uniforms
    they designed and produced for the Maryland football program,
    protestors should show up at the sports apparel headquarters
    in Maryland. These uniforms are a safety hazard to our eyes,
    stomach, and environment. Oh, they might be a novelty to
    some now. but by next year, the uniforms will rank with the
    Taco Bell uniforms of the San Diego Padres and the rainbow
    wrecks of the Houston Astros of the 1980's. B-R-U-T-A-L.

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