Wednesday, October 19, 2011


The Sportsrip has learned exclusively that Red Sox players brought
Tiger Woods and all his woman into the clubhouse during games.
Still reeling from accusations that players were drinking in the
dugout during games and eating "Fat Mama's Fried Chicken" in
the clubhouse, this new report may cause the entire organization
to unravel.

According to "team sources",  Tiger would arrive shortly after
the song, "Sweet Caroline" was played in the seventh inning.
That was the cue for Josh Beckett, Jon Lester, and John Lackey
to leave the dugout and go hang with Tiger, who was reportedly
dressed in a red Tommy Bahama shirt, black shorts, and Nike
sandals. Shortly thereafter, Rachael Uchitel and all of Tiger's
strippers would enter through the "secret" door leading from the
parking lot to the clubhouse.

A clubhouse staffer, who requested anonymity, told Sportsrip,
that Tiger was mixing ambien with Bud Light and the Red
Sox took part in a drinking game called "beer pong". During
the course of the game with the Killer J's, Jon Lester, John
Lackey, and Josh Beckett,  Tiger asked one of the girl's, who
reportedly had been a waitress at Perkin's, to make a run for
some chicken before the 8th inning and round two of beer pong.

When asked about the presence of Tiger Woods in the clubhouse,
principal owner John Henry admitted to Sportsrip that he hired
Tiger as part of the package he put together to pacify the players
after they complained about a day-night doubleheader, which also
included $300 headphones and a day on his Yacht called, "Scarecrow."

"I got Tiger to give the players a day of lessons at the Brookline
Country Club and hired the girls to tee up their balls," Henry
sheepishly said. "I didn't know that Tiger was going to show up
with the girls during the game. Maybe it loosened them up because
they've been playing like they have a red hot poker where the sun
doesn't shine."

According to a team staffer, it was Rachel Uchitel who texted
Lackey 30 minutes before his start against the Toronto Blue Jays
on September 27th. Lackey had called out the media for texting
him something "personal" just a half-hour before he had to take
his $18 million dollar a year salary and 6.14 ERA to the mound
for a big game. Sportsrip has learned that the message sent to
Lackey from Uchitel said, "LOL. U r hung like Pedro's old midget
friend, DeLaRosa. haha."

Efforts to reach Lackey, who is in Budapest visiting the
Dali Lama, were unsuccessful. Jon Lester called into
five media outlets on Tuesday in anticipation of this report and
said that it was Terry Francona's fault for letting Tiger in. "He
had never met Tiger before and Tito's chipping and putting really
suck and he wanted some advice." Lester was adamant that he
wasn't throwing Francona under the bus.

Sportsrip traveled to Katy, Texas to get a comment from Beckett,
who told a team of reporters from this site to "get off my property
or I'll shoot you with my 12-gauge shotgun." Sportsrip observed
Beckett wearing spandex shorts and a video of P90x playing on

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