Thursday, September 22, 2011

PANIC GRIPS RED SOX NATON: HIDE SHARP OBJECTS AND HAZEL MAE CARDBOARD CUT-OUTS.

If ESPN the Magazine had waited a week, they could've had
a scintillating cover story on the panic gripping Red Sox nation,
instead of glorifying the city's recent dominance of the sports
landscape. It's more compelling, kind of like the 51-year actor
who married that 17-year old girl, recently.

The Red Sox are choking on the chalupa. Emotions throughout
the region are volatile,  mirroring those of Manny Ramirez, who
apparently came off his female fertility drug last week before
doing a Wil Cordero on his wife. Rico in Revere is teetering on
the Tobin Bridge with his Carl Crawford jersey on. Owner John
Henry has written the last 2-million, bi-monthly check for the
season for Theo's free-agent bust, but he's downing Pepto Bismol
like Joey Cheatwood eats up hot dogs on the fourth of July.
Imagine how he's going to feel when his 31-year old trophy wife
leaves him after the season for one of the Gronkowski brothers.


Yes, it feels like 1978 and 1986 all over again in Boston. The
Red Sox are playing like Chaz Bono dances, with not much
style, rhythm, or purpose. If they blow this lead and fail to
make the playoffs, they'll be miserable again and start blaming
Bill Buckner for everything again. Isn't it so ironic that the
Red Sox collapse coincided with Buckner's riveting performance
on "Curb Your Enthusiasm?" Dan Shaugnessy might turn out
another book on a Red Sox curse. If the Old Town team coughs
this lead up, it could be the "Curse of  the baby-saving Bill Buckner."
Buckner's performance was great, but now Red Sox fans have
returned to screaming "Buckner Sucks" in their sleep.


 Read the comments from disgruntled Red Sox fans on Facebook
and your problems suddenly don't seem all that big.

Jon Walleye: "The Red Sox are like a watching a train wreck.
                      You don't want to watch, but you have to just take
                      a peek to see the damage."

Keith Preston: "The Red Sox couldn't beat the PawSawx or
                        Boston College in their annual spring training opener
                        playing like this."

Jason Wolfski: "The Sox are in a pennant race and Deer-in-the
                         Headlights Carl Crawford asks out with a stiff
                         neck. Crawford is a stiff. Rondo plays with an
                         elbow bent behind his head and Carl's in the
                         trainer's room getting a heating pad on is
                         $20-million dollar a year prima dona neck."


It's great stuff. And Yankee fans everywhere are loving it. The
fans in Boston have gone from singing Sweet Caroline in the
the late innings, to drinking Sweet Tea with a drop of Hemlock.
Theo's "Dream Team Bullpen", the one he constructed with
the likes of Big Bobby Jenks and Dan Wheeler imploded a long-time
ago. There's a reason Chicago and Tampa Bay didn't want those
guys. They were toast.


Oh, yeah. The Red Sox are still 2.5 games up in the Wild Card
chase with less than a week to go. They control their own destiny.
But sports fans in Boston are  not happy unless they are a little
miserable. That period of dominance that ESPN was talking about,
you know the one where Boston claimed more championships
in the last decade, than Philadelphia, Chicago, Atlanta, and
Phoenix combined to win in the last 50 years. That's given way
to sheer panic. It sure makes for a better story, doesn't it?

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