John Lackey earns $18 million dollars a year but acts like a homeless guy who goes to
the soup kitchen only to find there is no soup. He makes his living pitching for the Red
Sox in one of the world's best cities, but wears a grimace on his face like the man who
just got tabbed to be the target for target practice in Baghdad. He has a job that many
would kill for, but exudes the joy of a customer service rep at the DMV. John Lackey is
quite simply, the most miserable man in the world.
I know the Red Sox pitcher is going through a tough time. His ERA (6.41) is slightly higher
than his I.Q. and everyone is out to get him. His defense cadillac's behind him, the media is
sending him personal text messages, and his wife, while battling cancer, just doesn't have the
energy to coddle or massage his ego anymore. Yes, it's gotta stink to be John Lackey. He's
certainly not the Dos Equis guy, who is quite simply, the most interesting man on earth.
Lackey and the Dos Equis guy. Here's the tale of the tape:
The Dos Equis Guy has one friend on Facebook, himself. John Lackey has one friend in life,
the agent who suckered Theo Esptein into giving him more than $80 million.
The Dos Equis Guy is known as "the shit" and loves chicken. John Lackey loves chicken
and his stuff around the league is known as crap.
The Dos Equis Guy would never use an excuse even if he had one. There isn't one excuse
John Lackey hasn't used.
When the Dos Equis Guy goes to sleep, sheep count him. When John Lackey goes to sleep,
his wife and teammates hope he never wakes up.
When the Dos Equis Guy picks up a sea shell, he hears the Boston Pops. When John Lackey
picks up free headphones, he hears Boston yelling, "You suck!"
The organ donation card of the Dos Equis Guy also lists his beard. The organ donation card
of John Lackey doesn't mention anything about a heart.
The mother of the Dos Equis Guy has a tattoo that says, "Son". The mother of John Lackey
has a tattoo that says, "He's not mine."
The Dos Equis Guy lives vicariously through himself. John Lackey lives in the past to
remind himself what it feels like to retire the side in order.
Wild animals go on safaris to see the Dos Equis Guy. 198 hitters have fights at the bat rack
to face John Lackey.
The Dos Equis Guy would not be ashamed to show his feminine side if he HAD one.
John Lackey would be ashamed to show his good side if he HAD one.
The Dos Equis Guy is famous for saying, "Stay thirsty, my friends." John Lackey is
infamous for throwing up his arms and screaming, "God dammit, (Insert name of Red Sox
teammate here), Will you please catch the effin ball!"
Advantage: The Dos Equis Guy.