Monday, April 4, 2011


Since running over that fire hydrant 16 months ago, splashing
the sordid details of his sex life across every multi-media platform
known to man, we haven't seen Tiger Woods pitching many products.
Once a sponsors dream, Tiger quickly turned into their nightmare,
thanks to his double-life and recent rash of double bogeys.

Remember when Tiger's commercial cache included a spot that
made him appear as if he walked on water? Do you recall the one
where he played hackey sack with his club and ball, then smacked
it 200 yards out of mid-air. Just like some of the shots he used to
make, Tiger could put his signature on some brilliant commercials
But thanks to Nike, Tiger also made a few controversial ones.

One of the first ones the swoosh and the snake produced, flirted
with racism. Tiger claimed there were "still courses that he
couldn't play on because of the color of his skin."

During the Masters last year, in his return to the game after scandal
and sex rehab, Tiger faced the camera, and his late father, Earl,
appeared to be talking to Eldrick from his grave. He asked Tiger,
"have you  learned anything?" This commercial bombed worse
than Charlie Sheen's first live show in Detroit on Sunday.

During the Masters this week, Tiger tries to make a comeback as
a pitchman, taking part in several commercials that will air
throughout the tournament.

Tiger facing the camera, hears not the voice of his late father,
but rather, the one of his ex-wife.

Hi Tiger, this is Elin....I'm sorry that you lost your number one
ranking. What, you're like, number 7 in the world now? Isn't that
the rating you gave that waitress from Denny's?

I saw that 120-yard drive you hit at Doral. It didn't even make the
ladies tees. LOL. The ladies tees! I haven't seen a drive that bad
since you got behind the wheel all whacked out on ambien.

Oh, and thanks for that $150 million dollar check. I think I can make
ends meet for awhile. One other thing, Tiger. After losing your rep,
your ranking, and your real family, I just have one question.
Was it worth it? NIKE: You just blew it.

Note: When you see AFLAC in parentheses, insert screaming duck

I'm Tiger Woods. If you get in an accident and can't work.. (AFLAC!!!)
will take care of you. If you have to go to sex rehab  (AFLAC!!!!)  will
pay all your bills until you return.. And if you're injured and can't
get out of bed..(AFLAC!!!)  will order from Denny's and bring
breakfast and a side order of waitress home to you. It's great,
now if they can only keep me from duck-hooking....(AFLAC!!!) all my

I'm Tiger Woods...there are strip clubs that no longer invite me in...
Denny's refuses to serve me breakfast.....and sex rehab centers turn me
away. I'm a pariah. I don't have any friends and my favorite porn stars
don't even return my text messages.

So what's a man to do? Well, I've logged onto
The "E" standing for Eldrick and every other loner. Eharmony is
not like It finds a compatible partner, matching
you with people with the same likes and interests.

I wanted someone who likes skanky-looking woman, someone who is
addicted to sex. Someone who has shared the same experiences I have.
And most of all, someone who's embarrassed themselves and screwed
up their life just like me. "Hey, Steve. Wait up! Steve Phillips.
You're my new  BFF. Wait me for me! Eharmony.  It's all good,
even when your life isn't.

Tiger, The Masters, and commercials. A tradition unlike any other.

No comments:

Post a Comment