10. TOM BRADY. Learns how to dance. If you've seen the recent
video from Brazil, you know what I'm talking about. The hair in
the pony-tail is bad enough, but Tom, you can't be dancing like that
in public. You can't even do that in the back corner at Sonsie's in
Boston. One has to wonder if he's been drinking with Miquel Cabrerra
because the reigning MVP of the NFL is acting a little strange. Oh,
yeah, I forgot about the barrette in his hair and the picture of him
laying on a chair as if he's the pool boy waiting for his sugar mama.
9. REX RYAN. Produces and distributes new foot-fetish videos
which will be made available to the public in three easy installments
of $9.95. The head coach of the New York Jets is working round
the clock on guaranteed blockbusters, "The 3 little piggies," "My foot
soldiers," "Butter face, beautiful feet," and "Fat feet deserve loving, too".
8. ALBERT HAYNESWORTH. Works on his book, "How to
lose friends, alienate teammates, and do almost nothing to make
$100 million dollars. Foreword by Randy Moss. A good bet to make
the NY Times best-seller list in the summer.
7. BART SCOTT. Has anybody ever had been timing in getting
a trademark? The New York Jets loud-mouth linebacker will
be working feverishly on his "Can't Wait" T-Shirts. "Can't Wait
for this frigging lockout to be over". "Can't wait to play the Pats
and mock Tom Brady for his pony-tail and dancing like a girl".
"Can't Wait to see Antonio Cromartie register for food stamps".
Those should be the biggest selling T-shirts this spring.
6. JAY CUTLER. Consults Charlie Sheen on "Winning" and
seeks tiger blood and Adonis DNA injections from the deranged
actor. The Chicago Bears QB is going to need something strong
after wimping out of the NFC championship and taking hits
from players and media around the country.
5. CHAD JOHNSON. The Bengals receiver who changed his
name from Johnson to Ocho Cinco and back to Chad Johnson,
reverses field once again. After coach Marvin Lewis mocked and
ripped number 85 in the off-season, saying that Bill Belichick is
too smart to pursue a player like him, Johnson petitions the NFL to
change his name again, favoring, HE HATE ME, TOO.
4. BRIAN CUSHING. The Texans LB, who was busted
and suspended for using a female fertility drug last year, is expected to
give birth to a beautiful baby girl. He will spend the next few weeks
in Lamaze class with his former teammate at USC, Clay Matthews, Jr.
Possible names for the baby include Clay, Kia, and Kum-bye-a.
3. RICKY WILLIAMS. The Dolphins eccentric running back
sells all his personal possessions. (hammock, bong, incense, and
Justin Bieber collection) and hikes the Himalayan mountains. He
then builds a sweat lodge and vows to smoke weed every day until
the lock out is settled. Williams might want to buy a box of
Snickers, too, because he won't be going anywhere for a while.
2. TIKI BARBER. The man who has made a career of making
bad decisions, picks a bad time to make a comeback. (After
being off for 4 years, no less) In need of cash and the attention
he craves, Barber signs on to do a reality show, "How to dump
your pregnant wife for a 23-year old intern." Hosted by Steve
1. ANTONIO CROMARTIE. The man with 9 kids by 7
different woman has a lot of mouths to feed with no money
coming in. He needs to be resourceful during his time off.
For entertainment, AC watches re-runs of "Knocked Up".
For charity, AC shoots planned parenthood commercials.
And for cash, AC signs mega-endorsement deal with
Trojan-enz for their new line of foolproof condoms